MiniSkirt Army of One
by anthro-otaku
Summary: Ed cheated in cards and pays the price through Roy's sense of humor. This isn't a yaoi, but pokes fun at it. Equivalent exchange can be beotch. Warning: raunchy, crude, and all round distasteful humor.
1. Cheating in cards

"Royal flush, I win!" Edward chimed triumphantly as he placed his cards on the table. He and Al had challenged Mustang, Breda, and Falman to a game of cards. After five wins Mustang was to allow him more top-secret information on the philosopher's stone and take care of Al's cat, or Ed would have to work overtime on what ever Roy needed done (much to his dismay Riza said he couldn't pile his paperwork onto Ed if he won). Mustang glared daggers at the blonde and sighed in defeat. _How did that little bastard do it?_ He thought as he searched for what to say about the top-secret information.

"Five royal flushes in a row; that doesn't seem possible," Breda pondered as Ed soaked in the moment of defeating Mustang in something.

"What can I say, I'm great at cards," Ed boasted as he shrugged his shoulders.

"The chances of getting a royal flush are slim enough but to get five in a row is outrageous," said Falman in deep thought.

"I guess it's hard to believe that someone could be as awesome—," Ed began to brag before cards began to pour out of his sleeves. Everyone glared at Ed as he stared in fear at the cards on the floor, fear of what Mustang would do to him.

"Brother! I should've known!" Al reprimanded as he glared at Ed.

"You little bastard!" Breda growled as he stood prepared to strangle him.

"I knew there was no way anyone could get that many royal flushes!" Falman growled before everyone's gaze fell on Mustang whose face was hidden from the shadow the light behind him had cast. The chuckling was not a good sign to Ed.

"Fullmetal,"

"What?" Ed asked in a shaky voice.

"I have an assignment for you," he stated in a flat tone; "and a very important one at that."

"What do I have to do?" Ed asked with dread evident in his voice. Roy laughed in an eerily happy tone. Then he began to laugh maniacally as he glared at Ed for his vain attempt at the top-secret information as a few more cards fell from his sleeves and cluttered the ground.

"I'm not doing this!" Ed screamed from the bathroom he locked himself into.

"Brother, this wouldn't have happened if you didn't cheat," Al scolded as he tried to get Ed to come out again for the past hour. "You're lucky this is the only thing he's going to make you do."

"I don't care! You'll have to drag my cold-dead-_ass_ out of here, I'm not going and that's final!" Ed screeched.

"Well, it's too late now. Now come out so we can have a good look at you," Al tried to cheer up the mood. The lock clicked and the doorknob squeaked as Ed walked out of the bathroom for all to see. He wore is usual black jacket, but with a form-fitting tank top, a black miniskirt and high-heeled boots that reached his knees and thigh-high leggings to hide his auto-mail leg. His hair has been pulled back into pig-tails that bounced slightly with each step taken. He was not happy about this one bit and glared at everyone in the room, he would have hid in the bathroom again if he hadn't tripped from his high heels and fallen flat on his face.

"This is ridiculous, he'll never buy it," Riza stated while she put a hand on her hip.

"That's exactly what I was thinking," Ed chimed in as he thought he found a way out before Riza pulled something from her pocket.

"He'll need some makeup," she stated casually as she applied some to his face. The shock of her saying that was great enough he didn't move or protest her action. "I thought you were on my side!" He sobbed as he gave her puppy-dog eyes.

"Yep, he'll definitely buy it now with a face like that," Breda laughed.

"How's everything going?" Roy asked as he poked his head into the room.

"I think we'll really pull this off," Falman grinned and jabbed a thumb in Ed's direction. If he hadn't known that was Ed, he would have flirted shamelessly. He looked Ed up and down and noticed a small detail they had forgotten, but could fix easily. He ran to the cafeteria and grabbed two melons then ran up to the room like a child running for presents on Christmas morning. He stole a bra from the women's logistics closet (how he knew where to find them was his little secret) and put them on Ed.

"He's a boobs-kind-of-guy!" Roy chuckled as he stepped back to admire their work and thinking of how great of a night this was going to be, for him anyway.

"Did you tell him when to meet "Eliza" at the restaurant?" asked Al as he giggled at his brother's predicament.

"Yeah, Hughes'll meet us there. This is just too good to pass." Roy snickered.

"We should get there early to make sure we have first row seats to this dinner show." Roy laughed as they walked out of the room with "Eliza" following to give a piece of her mind. Ed wasn't use to the heels, which made him walk like Frankenstein, causing him to trip and grab the back of Mustang's uniform.

"I'm… flattered you feel that way Fullmetal, but I don't believe such a relationship would ever work out." Roy informed in a monotone.

"Stuff it Colonel, I only wanted to punch you in the face, but these heels are a bitch!" Edward griped as he began to balance himself on the heels again.

"You'll need to grow a lot more before you can do that."

"Who are you calling so small that they couldn't be seen amongst the fibers on the carpet!" Ed shouted.

"How 'bout I punch you in the balls! Let's see how tall you stand then!" he growled.

"I indeed should be careful you don't do that. You may be small, but with my cock stuffed in my sock and my sack swinging so low I know to watch out for angry little children wanting to hurt my precious balls. No matter how hard I try they still seem to hang low enough to _still_ be in your reach." Roy remarked snidely before continuing on his way out to the restaurant. Ed would have said something, but was in too much shock of what Mustang said he could only stand there speechless. When they reached the restaurant they got a table close to where the "date" was going to be by getting a table to see Ed's profile.

"Laugh it up Bastard! 'Cause I'm going to make this evening as miserable as possible for this guy and then you're going to have to explain to him why you hooked him up with me," Ed snickered evilly.

"No you won't. Actually, you're going to make sure that this date very enjoyable and that he may want to ask you out for a second date," Roy sneered as Ed glared in return.

"And _how_ do you plan to make me do this," Ed leered. "Blackmail of course," Roy smirked as he produced a picture Ed in drag. Ed clapped his hands and made the photo disintegrate.

"Now what, _Colonel_?" he asked snidely.

"There's plenty where that came from," Roy smirked at the look of horror on Ed's face. "Now be a good _girl_ and don't mess this up for me, okay _Eliza chan_?" He remarked snidely as he pinched Ed's cheek and walked to his table, but could imagine the look of loathing that would have graced "Eliza's" face.

"He should be here any minute now," Roy whispered as he looked at the menu.

"You sure we should be this close to the drama?" Falman asked.

"He wanted us to be here as to make sure he doesn't blow it," Mustang replied calmly as he turned the page of the menu.

"Sorry I'm late, did I miss anything? I don't want to miss his _big_ date with this beautiful girl you mentioned," Hughes panted between breaths from running as fast as he could and grabbed the seat by Mustang.

"No, he hasn't gotten here yet, but his "girlfriend's" ready," Mustang said with a grin.

"She's _cute_, but not as cute as my Elysia. I can't help but feel like I've seen her be— what did you do Mustang?" Hughes asked suspiciously.

"What?" Mustang asked in a monotone as he tried to conceal a chuckle.

"I know that look,"

"What look?" Mustang attempted to look innocent.

"You know exactly what I'm talking about! _What _did you _do_?" Hughes growled not wanting Mustang to take another girl from this man.

"Fullmetal lost a bet," Roy stated flatly as he continued to read the menu.

"What!" Hughes gasped. "Makes a pretty girl don't he?" Roy snickered as he put his menu down.

"You're kidding! That's Ed?!" Hughes whispered in shock as he tried to refrain from giggling.

"Sit down, he's coming!" Breda whispered excitedly as the man of the day came into the restaurant dressed in his best with a bouquet of flowers and a cigarette handing from his mouth. He walked over to "Eliza" and took her left hand to place a kiss on her knuckles. While Ed mentally cringed everyone behind him snorted as they choked back laughter at him being kissed on the hand by another man.

"Hello, my name is Jean Havoc, pleasure to meet you Eliza," he smiled gently as he took the seat facing Roy's table. "Roy says you have an interest in alchemy?" he asked as he tried to make conversation.

"Yeah, I love to study alchemy," Ed said in the best impression of a feminine voice he could and gave a cheesy smile. Havoc returned "Eliza's" smile with an equally stupid one. _She's so cute_, he thought as he took the seat next to"Eliza" to face Roy's table.

"I'm kind of surprised you'd agree to go out with me, I mean, the colonel gets any girl he wants and it seems that there isn't a girl out there that would turn him down."

"I think he's an ass," "Eliza" stated bluntly as she stuffed a piece of bread into her mouth; Al could only shake his head at how unlady-like Ed was, but thought that made this all the more hilarious.

"I think you've gone too far this time Roy," Hughes hissed angrily as he glared at Roy. "After everything you've put him though, all he's done for you, everything he's sacrificed, and now you're going to humiliate him to the _extreme_! That's low Roy, that's low even for _you!_"

"It may seem cruel, but Fullmetal cheated in cards and is in desperate need of some discipline. Look at this little humiliation as a hard lesson." Roy retorted bluntly.

"Ed? No, no, the lil' bastard had it coming. I'm talking about poor Havoc. You start dating every girl he gets interested in and now you're giving him a guy you stuffed into a miniskirt, and it's _Ed_ of all people," he chuckled as they watched the train wreck of date before them and struggle to not laugh. Hughes found it difficult to scold Roy for his actions when he himself couldn't stop laughing.

They ordered their food and watched silently, with difficulty not to laugh, at the sight before them. Havoc just rambled on about no one knew what while Ed ignored him and woofed down one bowl after another. Havoc took advantage of "Eliza's" distraction and scooted his chair closer to put an arm around her shoulders. "Eliza" tensed and tried her best to not look horrified by Havoc's sudden advance. She also had to fight the urge to see the colonel's reaction; she knew it would probably make her want to punch him. Havoc turned to look at the colonel to see what he thought of his bold move and found Roy with his forehead on the table with an arm blocking out his face and pounding his fist as his shoulders shook. Hughes was patting him on the back and whispering something into his ear and looked as though he were saying something very important. When Roy turned his head to look at Hughes just enough to show his eyes, it was then Havoc saw something he never thought he would ever see; Roy was crying.

_I never knew the colonel would be so attached to a girl to cry seeing her with another man._ Havoc thought as he observed Roy. _Serves him right, I finally get the last laugh!_ Havoc mentally chuckled in triumph before turning his focus on his date. If it had not been for the surrounding noise and the short distance between tables he would have known that Roy's tears were from laughing at his advance on "Eliza" and Hughes was really saying: "shut up, Roy, shut up he'll hear you!" Edward began to feel awkward with Havoc hanging all over him that he decided to use the female ace-in-the-hole to escape for the moment.

"Excuse me, I need to use the bathroom," Ed blushed before departing for the bathroom and tripping over his high-heeled boots all the way. Breda nearly fell from his chair laughing at the sight.

"What's so funny?" Falman asked between chuckles; unable to see the humor unfold with the bathrooms behind him and looking at Havoc's confused expression.

"_Eliza_ just walked into the men's room," Breda chuckled as he nearly fell from his chair and Falman's face was turning blue from lack of air from all the laughing.

Ed was relieved to be away from the fiasco of a date. He just wanted to eat his meal and go, but he knew Mustang wasn't going to let him off that easy. He went to a urinal and tried to think of a way out. _There's no windows to climb out through, damn it!_, he cursed as he finished his business he saw a little boy using the urinal next to him. The boy stared up with great confusion as to why a girl was using the men's room and had she same thing as him. Just then he saw Mustang running in to use the restroom to use the urinal because he was laughing so hard he about to piss himself. "Don't join the military, kid. They'll blackmail you and stuff you in a miniskirt," Ed grumbled inembarrassment before stomping out of the bathroom and face whatever was going to be thrown at him next. Fortunately, tonight was only dinner and he may never have to do it again.

"Did you walk into the men's room?" Havoc asked with a chuckle.

"Uh, yeah," Ed mumbled as a realized his mistake and knew that everyone at the other table noticed because they were laughing so hard and everyone was begining to stare at them, Havoc; as usual, didn't seem to notice it at all.

"I wasn't paying attention," Ed blushed in embarrassment at his mistake knowing Mustang was not going to let him live it down. When he saw Roy come out of the bathroom he could only assume that the colonel nearly pissed himself laughing. They paid the bill and Havoc offered to drive "Eliza" home and she accepted to make it more authentic looking to Mustang so he doesn't post that embarrassing picture all over headquarters. She asked to be dropped off a few blocks from headquarters.

"I had fun tonight," Havoc said shyly.

"I... I did too," "Eliza" said with a yawn wanting nothing more then sleep.

"We should do this some other time," Havoc said with a blush. "Sure," she yawned and slumped out of the car and walked down the street. "Okay, _colonel_, I got this girl in the bag," Havoc mumbled to himself victoriously as he drove away. When Ed reached the dorms he went to his room to fall asleep, not bothering to change his clothes, and knew that tomorrow would bring more smart-ass remarks from Mustang.

Later the next day:

"Sleep well, Fullmetal?" Roy asked snidely.

"Stuff it," Ed grumbled.

"I've got good news," Roy stated flatly.

"You've been relocated," Ed sneered.

"No,"

"Been promoted and I don't work for you,"

"Even better than me being Fuehrer,"

"Then what?" Ed asked in annoyance.

"Havoc wants a second date with a cute little honey named _Eliza_," Roy chuckled as Ed wore an expression of horror.

"You said you had good news!" he roared with rage.

"I never said it was good for you," Roy chuckled as plotted Ed's next date for further humiliation in a _**tiny miniskirt**_.

_Hey everyone, this is anthro-otaku. I hope you enjoyed this fic. I took the name from the army advertisement "Army of One". This is my first fic, so please don't be too harsh. Please also remember that I'm no English major and may make lots and lots of errors. Please give me reviews, it'll give me more inspiration to write._

**_Get ready for the next exciting adventure of MiniSkirt Army of One: The Conspiricy of Lavatory Five_**


	2. The Conspiracy of Lavatory 5

"You said you had good news!" he roared with rage.

"I never said it was good for you," Roy chuckled as he plotted the next date for further humiliation in a tiny miniskirt.

"No! Absofuckinlutely not! This wasn't part of the deal!" Edward protested so loud it could be heard all around Central.

"You most absofuckinlutely _will_ go, that is of course you want everyone to see this," Roy smirked as he produced a new picture of him in drag much to his horror. The picture was of him lying on his bed sleeping.

His hair had fallen from the bands that held it in place and pooled around his head and the golden locks seemed to glow in the moonlight from the window. He seemed almost angelic in the picture from the way his skin appeared so soft, some of his tummy was exposed from what appeared to be him scratching his stomach, and a hint of the panties he was forced to wear was revealed from the way he legs were positioned in his relaxed state of sleep. The only thing about this picture that was in any way masculine was him scratching himself; he wasn't flattered.

"When was this—" Ed growled as he glared at the offending picture.

"Shortly after you fell asleep; I must say Fullmetal, I never knew you liked to wear those clothes." Roy smirked.

"The only reason I didn't take them off was because I wanted to sleep and was not aware that the paparazzi was coming in after me!" Ed growled as he shook his metal fist at Roy.

"Right, well right now I'm talking with Havoc to arrange another date. I really should congratulate you Fullmetal; you made him very happy and meet all of his criteria." Roy stated with a grin as he waved the beautiful picture of the angelic sleeping Eliza in Edward's direction.

"What's that suppose to mean?" Ed snarled.

"Havoc said he wanted a cute, smart, funny girl with a great personality that wouldn't be likely to cheat on him," Chimed in Falman. Ed knew he was smart, he would never confess to being _cute_, but what did everyone think was so damn funny; besides him being in a miniskirt.

"Hey guys! Who am I?" Breda laughed as he stood from his chair and began to walk like Frankenstein on his tip-toes and trip around the room making everyone howl with laughter and Falman fall out of his chair. Feury looked confused at the new joke.

"I don't get it," Feury said softly.

"Believe me, _you_ don't wanna know," Ed growled.

"Oh yeah he does," Breda chuckled as he leaned on his chair for balance and showed him a picture of Havoc with his arm around "Eliza's" shoulders.

"I don't get. Hey! I didn't know Havoc had a girlfriend! I'm so happy for him; you know how much he's always wanted to girlfriend. Does Ed have a crush on her or something? Did he walk away from her weird to hide his emotions or—" Feury began to ask before Ed gave him the look of death while Mustang chuckled and Falman rolled on the floor with Breda soon to follow laughing and struggling to breath. Even Al was hunched over laughing.

"What's so funny?" Feury asked in sincere confusion.

"Doesn't she look familiar?" asked Falman.

"She does somewhat, but I'm sure I would definitely remember a cute little girl like her," he stated; as though on cue Ed snapped.

"WHO ARE CALLING A TINY MIDGET THAT HAS TO SHOP AT THE BARBIE STORE TO GET THEIR CLOTHES?!" Ed shrieked as Al held him from killing Feury.

"What's wrong with you? I thought you were into Winry," Feury said in a shaky voice as he slowly stepped away from the fuming alchemist.

"Look at the picture again, doesn't _she_ look like someone we know?" asked Mustang as he held out the newest image of the girl sleeping.

"Her face rings a bell, but I must say; Havoc's girl is _really_ hot. I'm shocked he'd give you such a sexy picture of her. How old is she, 18? With a body like that she must be at least 18 to 20," Feury stated oblivious to the blonde trying to stab him.

"Hold him down good Al, he's just not getting it," Roy stated in a bored tone as he walked over to Ed and put it next to his face.

At first Feury was shocked, then confused, then scared; then he began to giggle. "I never knew you were into that kind of hobby Ed,"

"I'm not!" Ed huffed from the exhaustion of trying to kill Feury.

"Fullmetal's mad because he lost a bet when we caught him cheating in cards and that now he has to dress in drag and pretend he's interested in dating Havoc," Roy smirked as Ed glared.

"Why are you telling him? If you tell everyone Havoc's_ bound_ to hear about it and then your fun'll come to an end sooner then you'd like. Havoc'll never trust you again and no one'll want to be a subordinate to a colonel that finds pleasure in the humiliation of those working below him. Not to mention it could prevent you from getting that promotion," Ed sneered, but Roy was prepared for what to say if Ed were to make this discovery; which he knew would happen eventually.

"You're absolutely right, Fullmetal; which is why _we _are to be the only ones that know of this little escapade. People will see me as cruel, but I can see it now as to what would happen to _you_ if they found out." Roy cooed as Ed flinched. "You're quite famous, Fullmetal, just imagine what would happen to your image if all of the country and the world were to hear of this. They may start calling you the Full_drag_ alchemist, or maybe _Femetal _alchemist, or how about—"

"I get it already, you can shut up now!" Ed snapped but quickly shut up when Havoc walked in.

"You're all energetic this morning," Havoc said with a grin.

"I heard you went on a date last night, how'd it go?" Feury asked, unable to believe what he had been told despite Ed's true rage over the issue.

"I had the most wonderful time last night," he said as though in a dream. "Her smile, her bouncy locks of golden hair, her curvy body, her adorable blush, I'm in love!" Havoc rambled on how he was in love with _Eliza_ while Ed fumed behind him.

"When's your next big date?" Breda chuckled.

"Haven't decided on a date yet, but Roy said he was going to talk to her about when she'd be available," Havoc said as he looked out the window longingly as he thought of the golden-haired maiden of his life as an angry vein appeared on Ed's head. "I'll be right back, I forgot to drop something off," he smiled before leaving the office. After he left and his footsteps echoed off in the far distance did everyone, but Ed, laugh. After a good hour of making fun of Ed they walked down to the cafeteria, but Fuery stopped when they got to the bathrooms.

"I wonder what they do in there," Feury thought out loud as two women walked into the restroom.

"To shit I guess," Ed shrugged as he continued on his way to get to the yummy food.

"But they always go in pairs and stay in there for long periods of time," Feury mumbled.

"Besides, haven't any of you heard the rumor of this women's room?" Feury whispered.

"Yeah, I've heard them. The rumors of lavatory five," Breda whispered.

"Why are you whispering?" Mustang asked flatly.

"To make sure they don't _hear_ us," Breda whispered.

"Who's they," asked Ed.

"You know, the _girls_," Feury retorted quietly.

"You see them everyday and trust me on this, Feury; you will see them everyday for the rest of your life. So I _suggest_ you get use to them," Mustang grumbled at the stupidity of where this conversation was going and started to walk away.

"I take it you haven't heard the rumors about Major General Armstrong's plan to have a coup and take the fuehrer position," Falman stated, now Mustang was interested.

"Okay men, amuse me. What are the rumors about Olivier Armstrong and _Lavatory_ 5," Roy smirked, this had to be the dumbest thing they got into since Warehouse 13.

"There's a rumor that due to being belittled by men and oppressed for centuries that women have been plotting our doom. They say they're secretly meeting in the one place where men refuse to enter, a domain so terrifying, so forbidden that no man would risk his dignity or life to tread on their turf," Feury said in a shaky voice as he waved his hands in the air as though telling a ghost story.

"I heard someone say that women from all over Armestris are in the middle of a war, but they're able to cleverly hide it by not fighting physically but psychologically," Falman informed Roy as though he were an old man telling a child a war story.

"That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard," Roy mumbled.

"If you knew the heavy-hitters you wouldn't say that," Breda retorted.

"I'm listening," said Roy.

"Lt. Hawkeye, Major General Armstrong, Winry Rockbell, and a mysterious group of women that meet in the women's room all the time to discuss the destruction of all mankind!" Breda whispered as he held his hand by his mouth into Roy's ear.

"I really think you guys are making this up as you go; I mean, why would _Winry_ want to be Fuehrer?" Ed sneered.

"Maybe _she_ doesn't want to be Fuehrer or control over whoever is, but _most_ of the women find empowerment in having a man's balls in their pocket, or in her case a State Alchemist," Breda grunted.

"You're all so full of shit," Ed scoffed before Falman produced a wrench out of nowhere.

"Please don't hurt me! It won't happen again, I swear!" Ed cowered in fear.

"My point exactly," Breda chuckled.

"Well, in any case this whole rumor is stupid. I don't even understand why they call it _The Conspiracy of Lavatory 5_ if it has nothing to do with a place _called_ lavatory 5," Roy grumbled.

"It's called that because rumor has it that the main focal point of this widespread psychological warfare amongst the women is in the fifth restroom installed here at Central Headquarters. I walked by here one night and I heard what sounded like machinery, fighting, and brutal snide remarks coming from the restroom. It also sounded like they were plotting against all humanity in there too," Feury answered in a shaky voice.

"I hear the same things coming from Fullmetal's dorm room when Winry comes to repair his automail (Ed flinched at the remark), but in any case this is completely ridiculous and can't be investigated further," Roy stated firmly.

"Why not," Feury asked with puppy-dog eyes. "You helped us with the Warehouse 13 incident when I was afraid to walk home. Why can't you help us with Lavatory 5?"

"This is completely different, I don't care about some stupid rumors; there's no way in hell I'll waltz into that bathroom to prove it to you. Ghosts I can disprove, but Hawkeye's bullets in my ass as evidence why we shouldn't enter the women's restroom is not something I want to experience. There's no way to investigate this to prove how stupid this all is… that is unless," Roy eyed Edward standing next to him. "Unless _Eliza_ feels she needs to pee anytime soon," he said with a toothy grin.

"Oh hell no! No, no, no!" Ed screamed before they pulled him into a secluded room to prevent him from making a scene.

"Well, Ed, you do need to get use to going to the little girl's r—" Breda caught his verbal mistake too late.

"WHO ARE CALLING A TINY LITTLE BEAN YOU'D LOVE TO SMASH BETWEEN YOUR TOES!"

"He has a point, Edward. You need to get use to going to the women's room. If you keep using the men's room Havoc'll get suspicious," Feury stated as a matter-of-factly.

"I'm not going in there at that's final!" Ed snapped.

"So be it, _Fulldrag_, I guess I'm going to be copying this image all night long," Roy smirked as he waved the 'Eliza on a date with Havoc' photo for Ed to see.

"Don't you have paperwork to do?" Ed growled, and then an idea popped into his head. "This whole thing wouldn't workout anyway. Riza knows about this sick game and would know recognize me right away if I walked in there. Then I'd just have to tell her it was your idea, then I'm sure she'd enjoy playing the "get back to work" game even more, but with extra bullets," Ed sneered as a look of surprise spread across Roy's face, but the victory was short lived.

"You're right; after all she's the one that put Eliza's makeup on. But I guarantee you; she hasn't met our dear _Matilda_ yet," He chuckled darkly as he towered over Ed like a wolf about to pounce a helpless lamb; he was enjoying this too much.

A dash of chemicals here, some red coloring there, a few blows to the head of an unwilling alchemist to knock him unconscious, dark blue thigh-high leggings, another raid of the women's logistics closet, a dash of makeup, and then _Matilda_ was born. Through experimentation they succeeded in making cute little freckles on _Matilda's_ cheeks. They dyed _her_ hair red and let it hang down. Roy had to use alchemy to make the uniform small enough for her, but something was missing. It was then Mustang remembered his project from last night.

"Wait here, I got a gift for Fullmetal," Roy said in a serious tone before exiting the room and returning with a box. He hands it to Ed with a smile.

"Why do I get the feeling that it'll make me want to punch you," _Matilda_ snarled.

"Well, it's more of a gift for Havoc then anything else," Roy smirked as Matilda stared into the box with a blank expression.

"Is that what I think it is?" Breda giggled, "Fake tits?"

"They're lighter, softer, absorb body heat so that they're warm, and they look like normal flesh!" Roy said with pride as Ed glared at him.

"You're a sick, sick man colonel," Ed growled.

"And you're cute _little_ girl," Roy cooed to see Ed fume. "Awww, doesn't she look so _cute_ when she's mad?" Roy baby-talked and made everyone giggle while he pinched Ed's cheek who was baring his teeth.

"I have no doubt this'll work," Falman nodded.

"Is all of this _really_ necessary?" "Matilda" asked as she pulled at her tiny miniskirt skirt. Roy made it smaller then necessary; it was his fetish after all.

"Yes, everything must be authentic," Mustang stated bluntly.

"But you told be to wear a thong!" Matilda snarled.

"To prevent from showing a panty-line, they'll certainly not think you're a guy if you wear it. Besides, you'll look weird if you wear box—," Roy said before noticing Ed was wearing boxers; they poked out from under his _**tiny miniskirt**_.

"I guess it's no use men, it will so awful to reveal the identity of Fulldrag," Roy sighed as he looked at the black thong at the bottom of the bag.

"DAMN IT!" Matilda shouted as she grabbed the thong and stormed into the vacant office.

"Is it really necessary?" asked Feury.

"No, I just enjoy making him feel as awkward as I possibly can. Besides, if I get him use to wearing them then the next date we put him on with Havoc will be twice as funny," Roy smirked evilly as everyone fought the urge to giggle like school kids.

-------------------------------------------- Later that night -------------------------------------------

"This is gonna be great!" Feury giggled in a whisper as they huddled around Roy's desk in the dead of night after many had gone home.

"I don't understand why we need to do this; you said your self, colonel. This is ridiculous!" Matilda whispered in a harsh tone.

"If there is indeed a coup in progress then we are doing a great service to stop it," Roy stated in a serious tone, but they all knew he was suppressing giggles.

"You can do it, _sister_," Al snickered earning him a glare from Matilda.

"Fullmetal, you will be treading into dangerous territory; a place where no man has gone before and comeback unscathed. This is one of the many challenges you will face in your life as a soldier and one step closer to becoming a man," Roy preached as he tried to increase everyone's moral before they embarked on a journey no man ever dared to venture on until now.

"I'm in a miniskirt!" Edward hissed. "You thought this whole thing was stupid until you thought of stuffing me into this getup!" but Roy ignored him.

"Here's the plan, Matilda will enter the lavatory five. She is to walk into the bathroom and look around. She is also to enter a stall and flush a toilet to see if anything is out of the ordinary. Afterwards she'll wash her hands as to not look suspicious to anyone else in there at the time. Then Matilda is to walk back into my office and report," Mustang lectured as though he were sending troops behind enemy lines.

"And if she should run into trouble?" Falman questioned.

"Then she is to contact me with this," Roy stated as he produce a small round button from his pocket with the emblem of a skirt with the letters MSA at the top and the words "In Mustang We Trust" at the bottom. "If you run into any trouble, _Matilda_, just tap your right index finger to this button. The electricity from your auto-mail, naturally produced by the electric currents in your body, will trigger the needle over here to move through contact with your metal limb. That way then we know when you are in trouble and take action." He put the button in the center a blue bow hairclip and pinned it on the back of Ed's head. "When you tap it, just pretend you're scratching the back of your head or something around those lines." Roy suggested.

"What happens if I run into trouble, what will you do?" Ed asked.

"In the event that someone is listening we won't discuss it here. But when the time comes I'll instruct you on what to do," Roy stated with a straight face. "Good luck, Fullmetal, you are entering into territory no one has dared enter before. Don't disappoint us, soldier." Roy said as he stood and saluted and everyone saluted after him.

"I'll do what I can, sir," Ed saluted back.

"We've got your back, Matilda," Roy said in a serious tone as an angry vein popped out on Matilda's head. _Matilda_ left the room and headed for the bathroom. When her footfalls could no longer be heard Roy began to laugh hysterically.

"That was so hard to say with a straight face," Roy chuckled as he sat down.

"What do we do if he really gets into trouble?" Breda shivered.

"If that needle starts moving, I'm out of here! That way I can plead ignorance and not get shot. If he gets caught Hawkeye will surely suspect me, but if I'm not here I get taken off the suspect list and we can say Fullmetal was acting like a child and picked up on a new goal of becoming the _FullQueen_ alchemist" Roy informed them with a laugh – yes he had a million 'Ed in drag jokes' – as he searched through his desk for something.

"You'd so quickly abandon brother, even if he could be in serious trouble?" Al asked in a shaky voice. "I thought you were better then that."

"Easy for you to say, you don't have a fleshy butt to _get_ shot," Breda responded. "But you're more then welcome to go save him!" he quickly added.

"I love brother very much, I really do… but I won't do _that_!" Al responded as he waved his hands in front of him. "Found it!" Roy whispered triumphantly as he pulled out a photo album.

"I never would have thought you'd have a hobby like keeping photo albums," Falman laughed.

"It's not really a hobby; I just started this morning when I saw the craft store on the way home last night. I stopped by there this morning before work and have been adding on to it during my breaks," Roy smiled.

"What're you putting in it?" Feury asked.

"Photos of Fullmetal's adventures during his missions while working for the MSA," Roy smiled as he put his 'sleeping Eliza' photo safely inside to prevent damage.

"You're milking this bet for all it's worth, huh?" Al asked.

"I'm making this so when Fullmetal and Winry have lots and lots of babies I can show them about daddy's misadventures when he tried to cheat in cards against the man – who will be Fuehrer by the time – and how he learned a valuable lesson in honesty and why he has a deep respect and undefined loyalty for him; loyal enough to follow to the ends of the Earth and back!" Roy stated dramatically, like the time he offered to take Black Hayate off of Feury's hands, and laughed maniacally.

"I think he's just going to get really mad and resent you more," Al sweat dropped.

"He hasn't had a father to beat some sense into him and it will teach him an important lesson. If he wants to get the philosopher's stone he's got to be careful. If he can't get away from me, armed only with embarrassing photos, what hope does he have against the homunculi if they get a hold of valuable information?" Roy stated as a matter-of-factly. The room soon became silent and no one dared speak or move as they intently watched the needle, even Roy who thought the whole thing was bogus, until Breda spoke.

"The moment that needle moves, I'm _so_ hauling some serious ass outta here!" Breda said quietly as they all stared at the tiny needle in the middle of Roy's desk.

_Will Edward find something out of the ordianry? Will Breda have to haul ass some serious ass out of head quarters? Get ready for the next exciting chapter of MiniSkirt Army of One: **Chaos at Coffeehouse 13**_


	3. Chaos at Coffeehouse 13

WARNING! RAUNCHY HUMOR AHEAD!

"This is bullshit," Ed mumbled to himself as she walked into lavatory 5 to find it empty. Nothing about the restroom seemed out of the ordinary, except how eerily clean it was and how fresh it smelled from the potpourri, until something caught his eye. "Is that a couch? Why do they get a couch?" he mumbled to himself as he glanced at the sign posted above it saying: Hawkeye's corner; learn about how to control an unruly man and more on Colonel Mustang time-shares. He saw a metal box nailed into the wall that seemed to dispense something, but all it showed was the female symbol, a tube, and a small package of some-sort. _I wonder what kind of alchemy materials they have in there_, he thought to himself as he headed for a stall.

He walked into a stall and closed the door behind him. It seemed like a normal stall, all except for a white box screwed into the side right by the toilet. When he lifted the lid he saw something horrifying; cotton-like things covered in blood. "What the hell is this?! This must be what they use to clean up the crime scenes, no wonder this place is so spotless and they probably are just covering the scent of blood with the potpourri," he thought in horror as he checked every stall to make the same horrendous discovery. He squeaked in surprise when two women walked in, thankfully they fell for his disguise.

"Look! They _finally_ posted a time for the Colonel Mustang timeshare! I've been looking into that for _so_ long and I think I can afford it now," one woman squealed in delight as they both read the sign.

"I'm looking forward to the lessons on dealing with unruly men; I need to teach my husband to put the seat down," the second grumbled as she continued to read it.

"Oh my God; Major General Armstrong is going to come and give advice on whatever you want on the military and lie-detecting!"

"What's a Colonel Mustang timeshare?" Matilda asked softly.

"Oh, that's just something Lt. Hawkeye has set up so she can better control Colonel Mustang's actions. This way she knows who he's dating, when he goes out, where he goes, how long he's there, and what base he gets to reach. She does it so she can keep tabs on his time-management. She says it keeps the higher-ups from giving him extra time to do paperwork," one informed Matilda.

"So, it's kinda like she's got his nuts in her wallet," Matilda mumbled and one woman shrugged in agreement. "But I don't see how this helps him, she seems to just be making a profit on his inability to keep his dick in his pants," Matilda thought out loud.

"That's what I thought the first time I heard it, but when someone asked her about it, it made sense; it surprised me to hear that she rarely makes any profit, but loses money most of the time," the first one exclaimed and explained further due to Matilda's confused expression. "She says she has to shoot at him to finish his paperwork, but the extra bullets aren't free. She also says that she shoots at him so much that her gun wears down and she has to replace it, so almost all of the money from the time-share goes to her prodding him in the right direction to be Fuehrer one day." The woman said in admiration of Hawkeye's loyalty to Colonel Mustang.

"I haven't seen you around here before, what's your name," the other woman asked Matilda sweetly.

"My, uh, my name's Matil—," Ed responded nervously in fear his cover would be blown and scratch the back of his head unconsciously. In Mustang's office at a far distance the needle sprung to life and that caused a series of loud bangs of what sounded like a person knocking down walls boomed throughout headquarters. _I completely forgot about that, oh well; now I can get away._ Ed thought to himself as the women looked around in alert.

"What was that!" one asked in a shaky voice.

"Never mind that, I'm getting the hell out of here!" the other retorted as she ran for the door with other following close behind.

_Now's my chance!_ Ed thought as he used his alchemy to take the white box off the wall and ran towards the military dorms. _I'll give it to Roy tomorrow,_ he thought with a smile as he reached the dorms.

---------------------------------- At the room --------------------------------------

"Brother! Are you okay?" Al asked nervously.

"Yeah, I'm fine. I found some suspicious things in there," Ed stated as he looked to the white box he was carrying.

"What's in the box?" Al asked curiously.

"I think they've been murdering people in there; there's a box like this in every stall. Cotton pads covered in blood. I think the cotton wads are torture devices. Al; this may be more serious then we originally thought," Ed whispered darkly as he lifted the lid to show its contents.

"That blood looks old, seems like this goes on through the course of the day," Al stated in deep thought.

"It smells terrible, the smell of death," Ed as he hid the box in the bathroom and headed for bed; now this conspiracy was really something to investigate further into.

------------------------- Later the next morning ----------------------------

"Are you injured in anyway Fullmetal?" Roy asked with a yawn.

"I'm okay sir; two women walked in and asked me a few questions. I pushed the button to make sure that I didn't give away information that would have gotten us into serious trouble. Your methods worked, they went running from the scene." Ed reported as Roy yawned again; what he did not know was that Roy had been there for several hours patching up the holes Breda put in the walls as he hauled ass out of the building.

"Did you find anything suspicious?" Roy asked an indifferent tone.

"I found a couch—"

"Why do they get a couch?" Breda grumbled.

"I dunno they just have one, ok!" Ed snapped. "They also seem to hold meetings in there; I found a sign posted above the couch with times and dates in which they could seek advice from Major general Armstrong and Lt. Hawkeye. Armstrong was going to give advice on teamwork and detecting lies, Hawkeye's giving advice on handling unruly men and information on Colonel Mustang timeshares," he stated in a serious tone. Now he had Mustang's undivided attention.

"There's a timeshare on me?!" Mustang asked indifferently; unable to believe something so outrageous.

"Yeah, this timeshare allows her to control: who you date, fuck, where you go, what you do, and how long you stay out. Long story short; she's put your nuts on timeshare." Ed stated bluntly.

"Why, but why would she—" Roy was speechless; there was no way Ed could make bullshit like that up.

"Because the bullets she shoots you with aren't cheep and does this so she can get you to be more on task with your work. So she set this up so you can have fun and she can raise funds for getting you to finish your paperwork," Ed stated bluntly. "I also found a metal box that appears to dispense alchemical information, due to the feminine symbol on it I suspect that there has been human-transmutation experiments going on in there as well. But that's not the worst thing I found while I was in there."

"What's with the white box?" asked Falman.

"Brother thinks there's torture and murder going on in there," Al stated in a nervous tone.

"I found every stall with a box like this one and all are filled to the brim with this," Ed said in a dark tone as he dumped the contents onto Roy's desk. Everyone's face went from shock, to disgust, and then to trying to hide their giggling; except Roy. Scattered on Roy's desk was an assortment of used pads and tampons, but Ed didn't stop there; he continued on while pointing at the different products.

"Looking at these cotton-pads, it seems like they used it to clean a murder scene or perhaps to absorb large quantities of blood to hide the evidence. The long cotton wads; however, I speculate were used as a form of torture. We should—" Ed stopped talking when he saw everyone behind him on the ground laughing and Roy looked extremely angry.

"Fullmetal,"

"What?"

"Do you know what you just dumped all over my _clean_ desk?"

"Evidence of a possible homicide," Ed stated with confidence.

"Wrong, Fullmetal, these are sanitary napkins."

"What're those?"

"Come here, I'm not saying this out loud," Roy ordered as he gestured to Ed to come. Roy whispered something into Ed's ear that seemed to confuse him, then made him looked disgusted, soon enough he looked horrified.

"You're kidding! This has got to be some sick joke!" Ed nearly screamed.

"It's the ugly truth, now clean this mess up. If Hawkeye sees this mess she'll kill all of us; whether or not she's controlling timeshares and making a profit off my testicles." Roy ordered as Ed wore a look of terror.

"Oh hell no! I'm not touching those things!" Ed screeched as he backed away quickly and pressed himself to the door.

"Very well then,_ Fullmetal_" he said softly. Breda, Falman, Feury!" Roy barked.

"Yes sir!" they all answered.

"Clean this mess up," he ordered, but quickly added on to it before they protested it. "The sooner you get this cleaned, the sooner you can all choose something for _Eliza_ to wear for her hot date tonight," Roy said before he began to laugh maniacally. The three men began to laugh and grin like feral cats about to pounce on a one-legged rabbit. Ed could only assume the worse while Al just shook his head; Ed had only dug his grave deeper, much deeper.

-------------------------------------- Later at the mall ----------------------------------

"I think this top is cute," said Feury as he lifted a baby-t with bunnies on it.

"No, that's too cute. We should have _Eliza_ wear something _sexy_, like this," Breda said as he lifted a black halter-top with a slit in the middle to display a generous amount of cleavage and exposed the belly.

"That's awesome, but I think this one is just a tad bit kinkier," said Falman as he pulled out another halter-top. "This one shows a generous amount of cleavage, the buckled at the top to keep the top up looks like a dog-collar – very kinky – and the black fabric really highlights Eliza's blonde hair and golden eyes," Falman stated as the other nodded in agreement. "Now for the skirt, how about this one?" he asked holding up a small black schoolgirl-like one.

"Nah, how 'bout this one," Breda asked showing a small plain miniskirt.

"I think this one has more sex appeal," Feury suggested as he lifted a _really tiny miniskirt_. It was black and split into a front part and back part that were held together at the top by some small black elastic stings.

"Feury, that skirt screams: "10 cenz whore"! I mean, if Eliza were to wear that she might get molested by every guy there. Then Havoc'll most likely get a hard-on the moment he sees her; let's get it!" Breda cheered as the other two nodded in agreement.

"Shoes, what'll we do about shoes?" asked Falman.

"How's shopping for you guys?" asked Roy.

"We just got the clothes, check'em out," Breda purred as he handed the bag to Roy.

"Very good, this'll make Havoc get harder then Ed's head," he chuckled.

"How 'bout these shoes?" Feury asked as he held up black leather mid-thigh boots.

"I think these look sexier," stated Breda as he held up a pair of black high heeled sandals with straps that reached to the wearer's knees.

"Those'll do; those'll do," Roy smirked.

"But won't Eliza's auto-mail leg show?" asked Feury.

"Oh yeah, but I can make something when we get home," Roy retorted in deep thought.

-------------------------------------- Later at Roy's house --------------------------------------

The four men crowded around Edward like children messing with a stray cat as they tie bags to its feet while Al peeked over them and giggled like a schoolgirl. The scene was almost exactly like that; the men giggled while Ed could only squeak in protest. When the four were finished Eliza looked sexier then ever. Roy had made a flesh-like material to cover her left leg and right arm. The skirt gently hugged Eliza's hips and her black g-string thong was obvious from the way it curved up and made a path close to her waist and then to her rear. Eliza's hair gently fell past her shoulders.

They put ruby-red lipstick, to make her lips appear more luscious, and nail polish on her little nails; fingers and toes. To match they applied some red eye shadow to compliment her golden eyes. They sprayed some berry-scented perfume to give her a fruity smell; to them jasmine and rose-scented perfumes were used too often and they wanted to try something new. The black high-heeled strapped sandals would allow a man to stare at her legs and not look a pervert and looked beautiful against her pail Armestrian skin. They worked for an hour to get Ed to walk like a girl and succeeded when they began to hit him over the head with Roy's ever-growing photo album. Eliza would definitely turn a lot of heads, make Havoc the envy of the club, and make Edward extremely pissed.

"Fullmetal, you are to go to Coffeehouse 13 and attach yourself to Havoc like a sex-crazed hoe," Roy stated as he admired their work.

"I don't think this'll be appropriate for a _coffeehouse_!" Ed growled.

"It's actually a nightclub. It was a coffeehouse at one point that went out of business due to its bad location and everyone kept calling it the old coffeehouse. So the owners changed the name to Coffeehouse 13; they actually don't serve any coffee there," Falman stated calmly.

"Be sure to not shift the beans in your boobs, Ed. It'll look weird if your breasts suddenly appear lumpy," Breda sneered.

"Make my breasts look weird! I look weird as it _is_ in this-this thing!" Ed shouted before rubbing the weird flesh-like covering they put over his arm and leg. "I'm not going out like this and that's final!" Ed declared as he stomped his foot.

"I had to pick those nasty things off the colonel's desk and clean it after you stupidly dumped them on it to prove there was torture and homicide in the women's bathroom when it was really just evidence of their nasty bodily functions. You are going to that nightclub that's final! Hughes'll be here in ten minutes to drive you there," Breda stated as he crossed his arms over his chest and stared Ed down.

"No! This is where I draw the line!" Ed snapped.

"Deals and deal, Fullmetal, you cheated in cards and now you pay the price," Roy remarked coolly.

"How is this equivalent exchange? I cheated in cards so now I have to play a woman for your sick pleasure! If this keeps up I'm gonna start getting my period!" Ed screamed.

"You wanted top-secret information, so for cheating to get it you now must humiliate yourself on a phenomenal level. Besides, do you really want everyone to see this picture?" Roy smirked as he produced a picture of Matilda.

"Where are all these damn pictures coming from?" Ed screeched as he tried to snatch the picture out of Roy's hand.

"CATS; Camera Angle Technology System. We are able to take pictures of you from any angle we choose to. Hughes is here, time for your sexy-ass to jiggle for Havoc's enjoyment," Roy shrugged before patting Ed on the head.

-------------------------------------- At the club -------------------------------------------

The music blared and lights flashed as people danced, made out, drank, or did sexual acts. Both Havoc and 'Eliza' felt awkward there, but Havoc put his arm around his girlfriend. Men looked at him with envy while women glared at Eliza for distracting the other men; while Havoc grinned at the envy Eliza glared at Roy and his goons sitting at a table in the back. Roy didn't see him because he was picking at a miniskirt a woman he was flirting with was wearing.

"How are you tonight?" Havoc asked in a low tone into Eliza's ear.

"Fine, I guess," Eliza answered as Roy began to laugh.

"What's so funny?" Feury asked.

"Eliza's sitting like a guy," Roy said quick enough before he started to laugh. Eliza's legs were spread and gave a generous view of her black thong.

"If his nuts… pop out… I'm gonna… I'm gonna piss myself," Breda gasped between laughs as he leaned on the table with an arm around Roy.

When Havoc saw Roy he saw him and Breda hugging as his shoulders began to shake and Breda patted his back and looked to be whispering something in his ear, but seemed to only be making it worse.

_Roy really must love this girl; that must be why he's always crying when he sees us together. Banzai! I finally get the last laugh __**and**__ the girl_! Havoc thought as he did a mental victory dance and started to feel up Eliza's left leg, but she couldn't feel it because (unbeknownst to Havoc) it was auto-mail. What Breda was really whispering into Roy's ear was: "Yeah and Havoc'll grab them thinking he's gonna get some ass. Just imagine the look on his face if he found that _Eliza_ has the same thing as him; _priceless_!"

"Let's dance," Havoc stated as he grabbed Eliza and pulled her onto the dance floor. Roy nearly keeled over laughing when Havoc started rubbing against Eliza and the look on her face was priceless. Soon the music stopped and someone shouted: "it's time for _Survival of the Sexiest_! In this contest the girls are to come to the middle of the dance floor and strut their stuff," shall the sexiest one win!" they announcer said as he began to read off the names of the contestants. Just as Edward feared, Roy put his name on there.

After many other contestants it was 'Eliza's' turn to dance. Ed was never known for having great dancing skills, so most of the dance was him swaying side-to-side and occasional arm and hip movement. While dancing Roy and Breda mumbled: "he's so white'n nerdy" as they laughed. As 'Eliza' danced Roy decided tp spice-up 'Eliza's' rythemless dance and snapped his fingers near the air-vents. The mixture of warm and cool air cause a draft the room and Eliza's hair to blow around and make what looked like a halo. What she didn't realize is that it caused her skirt to fly up and expose her g-sting to everyone; we have a winner. It was no surprise Eliza won the contest; every guy, including Havoc, got a nosebleed. Eliza felt sweaty after dancing and excused herself to the restroom; she almost walked into the men's room, but caught herself in time. She walked to the sink and paid no attention to the pair behind her.

"Why meet here when we can meet at the restroom in Central Headquarters?" asked an eerily familiar voice that made her jump slightly; Envy.

"If we meet there too often Fullmetal and the Flame alchemist could get suspicious," another familiar voice answered; Lust.

"I the meeting here, it smells like cigarettes and cheap perfume, the men's room smells like piss and vomit, and the main area smells like alcohol," Envy whined. He then turned his attention to "Eliza" when he caught her staring at them through the mirror; she squeaked and turned her focus down to the sink.

"What's wrong?" Lust asked coolly.

"That girl," Envy growled. "Was listening in on us just now," he said with a glare.

"I know, but it's likely she doesn't know what we're talking about," Lust shrugged. "I will admit; however, she does look familiar."

"She looks like the pipsqueak," Envy smirked as he noticed her twitch.

"Not now, Envy," Lust whispered.

"It won't take me long," Envy purred as he slinked over to "Eliza" and wrapped his arms around her waist. "Hey, little girl, what's your name?" he cooed.

"E-E-Eliza," Ed stuttered as Envy dug his nose into the crook of her neck.

"You look so much like someone I know," he purred in a sadistic tone.

"I don't look like anyone!" Eliza shouted as she flailed her arms about and tried to get away from Envy's iron grip.

"Act like him too," he cooed as he licked Eliza's neck to see her shudder in fear.

"What's a man doing in the women's room?" Eliza asked in a shaky voice.

"That's enough! We are not here for that and you know it, stop or I'll tell father you were interfering with plans," Lust demanded and Envy turned to glare at her.

"Ok, ok, I'll stop. We just haven't been allowed to pick at chibi-san for _so_ long. He's much fun to pick on," Envy sighed as he let Eliza go and she dashed out of the bathroom.

"Do you think that possibly was Edward?" asked Lust.

"Who knows, but her face was priceless," Envy snickered as he turned away from the door and walked over to Lust. Edward ran over to Roy's table and pulled him to a secluded corner.

"I'm flattered young lady, but your date would not be pleased," he chuckled.

"Homunculi," Eliza said in alert.

"What?" was Roy's only response.

"Lust and Envy are in the bathroom!" Eliza growled as Roy got more serious.

"Tell Havoc you want to go and he'll take you to the last part of your date," Roy retorted as he quickly made his way to the table and Eliza ran to Havoc.

"Can we go now? Maybe there's something else we can do, the music's giving me a headache," Eliza pleaded as she tugged on Havoc's sleeve.

"Ok, I know a place we can go for the night," Havoc purred, but Eliza remained oblivious to it like everything else.

"Boys, use the bathroom and quick. I advise you so or you'll end up pissing your pants," Roy laughed s he followed the couple out with the rest of his subordinates following.

------------------------------------- Later at a nearby seedy motel -------------------------------

"Did you have fun tonight?" Havoc asked in a husky voice.

"Yeah," Eliza grunted as she tucked herself under the sheets. _Wonder why he only got a one bed room; must be too broke for two beds_. Ed thought as he went into deep thought about the homunculi's next plan. He was snapped out of his thoughts as he felt Havoc get under the covers with him.

"Do you know what I'm thinking about?" Havoc whispered lustfully into Eliza's ear.

"Three cheeseburgers with a large order of fries and juice?" Eliza answered sheepishly as Havoc put his face closer to hers; he looked confused at first, but then chuckled and rubbed his nose with hers.

"You're on the right track with sandwiches, but not _that_ kind," he purred.

"What other kinds are there—?" Eliza asked before Havoc took advantage of her open mouth a plunged his tongue down her throat. Ed's eyes nearly popped out of his head, but when Havoc groped one of "Eliza's" breasts he paused; neither of them heard Breda fall out of a nearby tree where they were all hiding.

_These are really hard! Boobs are supposed to be soft and smooth; I love boobs, so I can't wrong from my endless research. There's only one reason for them to feel so hard and lumpy,_ Havoc thought to himself as he looked down to see no one else on the bed._ Where'd she go?_ He thought to himself as he looked around the room and saw a hole in the wall in the shape of a small person running.

"Whoa! Look at him go!" Feury said in awe. "I didn't know _anyone_ could run that fast in heels!"

"He may be fast, but my camera was quicker," Hughes chuckled as a handed Roy the picture taken; it was a keeper.

"I can't wait for Fullmetal to have kids; they'll _love_ this picture," Roy smirked.

"What, not going to show them to every girl he dates?" asked Falman with a laugh.

"I want to be a pain, not a chock-block," Roy stated defensively.

"You're putting him in a miniskirt, how are you _not_ a cock-block?" asked Breda.

"By putting him in the position of the woman he can then better understand that—"

"Bullshit Roy; you're just making that up to justify that you enjoy torturing the little guy and getting Havoc in a better mood so he works better, making your work easier, and have a good laugh at him while doing so," Hughes stated as he turned to Roy.

"Ok, you caught me. But this will be a nice addition to my collection," Roy grinned as he began to laugh like a madman.

Please review, it inspires me to write more. Anywho, get ready for the next exciting chapter of MiniSkirt Army of One: The MSA Hostage Crisis

**_Please leave a review, it gives me the inspiration to write. If there's a name you want me to call one of Ed's feminine alter-egos i will put them into consideration._ T-T_ please review._**


	4. The MSA Hostage Crisis

_Sorry this chapter took so long to put out; busy._

_---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------_

Edward stormed down to the office and was ready to give Roy a piece of his mind. The homunculi had been sighted and he let Havoc attempt to have sex with his feminine alter-ego; the ever sexy, Eliza, and he had spent the entire night brushing his teeth to get the slimy feeling of Havoc's tongue out of his mouth. He burst open the door and was ready to throw a tantrum, but the sight before him made him speechless. Havoc was hugging Roy while sobbing into his shoulder while the other men attempted to comfort him and Riza shook her head at the scene. Roy, Breda, Falman, and Feury tried very hard not to laugh at their weeping companion as he wept so hard his words could barely be understood.

"What's wrong with him?" Edward asked with a raised eyebrow.

"Elizahabreascaser!" came Havoc's intelligible answer as a new wave a tears hit.

"Huh?" Ed's face went blank. "Is this about Eliza?" he asked knowing full well it was.

"He said: Eliza has breast cancer," retorted Roy as he tried to hold back laughter; Havoc thought he was also holding back tears. (A/N: I do **NOT** find breast cancer to be funny. I put this in as a way to poke fun of Havoc's stupidity because he hasn't noticed anything) "He said he was about to make passionate love to her when he felt multiple lumps in her breasts and that she ran before he could ask her about it. He thinks she ran out of the embarrassment of his discovery, but he refuses to give up and will stick by her side through thick and thin." Roy said as he contained laughter at the look of horror on Ed's face; this was going to get worse.

"Maybe you should go home for the day; I don't think you'll work as well with this news," choked Breda as he tried desperately to not laugh.

"He's right Havoc, go home and pull yourself together," remarked Feury as he tried to hold back from giggling.

"Go home Havoc, you're at a tough time in your life and won't do any good here at work. Go home and do some soul-searching to better prepare you to help Eliza," Roy nearly started to laugh; this was all Havoc needed to hear to go home.

"Soul-searching?" Falman asked, "Never thought I'd hear that from _you_ of all people."

"Got rid of him didn't it?" Roy chuckled as he straightened out his papers before looking at the fuming blonde in front of his desk. "What's wrong with you?"

"I report to you that two homunculi are in the bathroom and you send me to get molested at the shit-hole of Central; what were you thinking!" Edward shouted as he slammed his hands down on Roy's desk.

"A likely story, but you're not getting out of your MSA mission that easily, _Eliza_," Roy purred as he pinched Ed's cheek to taunt him; Ed retaliated by grabbing Roy's collar.

"I've had it! No more makeup, no more jewelry, fake-lumpy boobs, and NO MORE DAMN MINISKIRTS!" Edward ranted as he began to tremble with rage.

"That's very nice, but I have another mission for Matilda," Roy stated in a monotone. "Riza is having a meeting on Colonel Mustang Timeshares and I want Matilda to go and see what is discussed and who attends these meetings."

"Like hell I will," Ed growled as Roy produced a picture from the previous night. The picture Hughes had taken was taken at the moment _Eliza_ blinked when Havoc stuck his tongue down her throat and grasped her breast. To anyone who wasn't present when the picture was taken would make the mistake of thinking "Eliza" was caught in the moment of bliss as they passionately kissed.

"I must say _Eliza_ sure looks delectable doesn't she, Fullqueen?" Roy cooed victoriously as Ed ducked his head in shame. "Don't ask any questions, don't call attention to yourself; just write everything down and report back to me." Before Ed knew it he was dressed up and sent to Lavatory 5. As he left the room Roy pulled out another photo.

"But this one has got to be my favorite," Roy grinned as he placed in his photo album. The photo was of Eliza and Havoc after their first _passionate kiss_. Havoc stared at the ceiling in a confused daze while Eliza looked as though she were going to vomit. Her mouth was open and her tongue hanging out as she scraped it with her finger.

---------------------------------- Lavatory 5 -----------------------------------

"Greetings, I'm Lt. Hawkeye; today is the introductory meeting to everyone new to the Colonel Mustang Timeshares. Today we will discuss: prices, times, locations, communication, and dating," Riza stated as she sat on the couch and the other women kneeled on mats they brought. The girl next to _Matilda_ raised her hand. "Yes?" Riza asked the girl.

"Will we get a schedule for when other women are dating him?"

"Yes, as a matter-of-fact that is what I was just about to handout," Riza answered as she handed out a small packet full of names, dates, and times with a few blank pages. "These times are for the women who have already reserved a timeshare and the blanks are for future scheduling so everyone knows when the Colonel will be unavailable. You go only as far as you pay; 3,000 cenz for just dinner and a movie, 5,000 to kissing and touching, and 9,000 for sex. Sex is as expensive as it is to make sure he doesn't get anyone pregnant by not allowing him to have as much sex and for the birth-control," Riza informed as she put a hand on her hip. _Matilda_ dutifully wrote down every word and reported back to Mustang with a full report.

---------------------------- The office -------------------------

"Interesting, very interesting," Roy mumbled as he flipped through the packet. "I want a further investigation," Roy stated deadpan.

"Why!" Ed shouted as he wiped the makeup off.

"If you could get more information on how women can read us then we can better defend ourselves against them."

"Bullshit! You're doing this to put me in a skirt!" Ed shouted.

"Okay, you caught me, but what're you going to do about it?"

For the next few months the men were able to hide their thoughts and actions from the women. Roy had found a way to dodge Riza's timeshares and mix up the dates. The women were getting frustrated with the sudden change in male behavior.

"I thought you had a date this afternoon Colonel," Riza stated.

"I did, but I had to bump it back to later tonight. It's not like someone has my nuts on timeshare," Roy grinned a knowing smile as he passed her as she was walking to the restroom for the emergency meeting.

---------------------- Lavatory 5 -------------------

"I don't get it, how did they figure out our plan? They've been completely clueless for the past few hundred years, our predecessors never recorded any iccidents such as this," one woman said as the head council of Lavatory 5 gathered around the couch.

"I don't know, but I have heard rumor that Colonel Mustang has been teaching the men how to avoid getting unconsciously trained. I have a feeling Edward is their spy," Riza stated darkly.

"How would you know that?" another asked.

"I've seen it with my own eyes. Edward lost a bet with the Colonel, so now he has him dress in drag and go on dates with a subordinate," Riza informed.

"It's a good thing I came when I did," stated Olivier Armstrong as she walked in. "There can only be one reason they know as much as they do; ladies, there is a spy amongst us."

(The next day)

"Soldiers, there is a spy amongst us. There is no other explanation to how the men know as much about us as they do. I hear their spy is apart of a new unit called the MSA; MiniSkirt Army," Major General Armstrong informed as she scanned the head council and spotted Matilda walking in.

"You, what is your name?" Armstrong asked sternly as she pointed at Matilda.

"Ma-Ma-Matilda," Ed stuttered as he felt himself shrink under her stare.

"What's your rank?"

"State Alchemist," he realized his mistake too late.

"Title?"

"Huh?"

"Iron blood, Flame (she said harshly), Fullmetal…"

"Yeah," _oh shit; think fast, think fast,_ Edward thought.

"Yes, what?"

"Iron maiden alchemist," Ed squeaked; _oh, good one. Beat that one, __**Roy**_

"You look familiar, but the title's nothing I've ever heard; are you related to the _red shrimp_ called Fullmetal?" she was catching onto him, his twitch gave him away.

"No," came Ed's squeak of an answer.

"What's your younger brother's name?"

"Alphonse… oh shit," he answered and then mumbled the "oh shit" as she glared at him.

"Pull down your stocking's, I know those thigh-highs are covering auto-mail," she ordered as she towered over him. "Soldiers, I've found the spy," she stated as she took her sword and sliced open his shirt. "Hold him down," she ordered as the women held Edward down as he tried in vain to escape. Riza took notice of the silver button on the ribbon in Ed's hair.

"Mustang, I knew it," she growled darkly as her grip on the ribbon tightened.

--------------------- Mustang's office --------------------

Roy, Breda, Feury, and Falman walked into the office to find Alphonse crying and no Ed in sight; this was bad.

"What's wrong?" asked Feury.

"They caught brother," Al wept as he held out a torn miniskirt and a video that said: TO COLONEL BASTARD, in bold black letters.

They popped the tape in and watched it. The video was of Armstrong, Hawkeye, and some other women sitting on the couch with Edward sitting on the floor in front of them on the floor. His hands securely bound behind him, Armstrong swung the MSA ribbon like a hypnotist swings a clock and Riza held the miniskirt up. Ed sat there and looked like a deer caught in the headlights and wearing nothing but a ripped shirt and jacket and the small black thong.

"We found your spy, _Flame_. We demand you dissolve the MSA immediately, or the red-shrimp will pay dearly," Armstrong stated darkly. "Anyone got 25 cenz?"

"You don't have to buy one, I got one right here," one woman stated as she searched her purse for something.

"No it has to be from the vending machine; generic brands are the worst," Armstrong stated straight-faced as someone handed her 25 cenz and she walked off camera. The sound of something being turned and object falling and then unwrapped filled time before she came back with a tampon. "Your choice, Roy; end the MSA or we plug the boy over, and over, and over again until our demands have been met," she informed darkly as she waved the tampon in front of her.

"What're you gonna do with that?" Ed asked in a shaky voice.

"Submit to our demands or we stuff the boy's suitcase with cardboard tubing and hard, scratchy cotton. You have twenty-four hours before the first plugging, the choice is yours, Flame; our demands, or he gets tampaxed," she stated last before the film ended.

"What does that mean, "stuff Ed's suitcase?" asked Feury.

"The term 'suitcase' is prison slang for the anus, butt, rear-end—" Falman stated before getting interrupted.

"How do we get him out of there?" asked Breda.

"If we dissolve the MSA that will embolden them and our testicles will never be free from their pockets. For too long have I been disillusioned that my balls were mine just to find them in Hawkeye's tight grasp and become aware of how she used them to manipulate me," Roy said in a serious tone.

"You're abandoning him?" Al asked on the verge of tears (how ever close a suit of armor can get).

"Never," Roy stated suddenly and made everyone jump. "We mustn't let those women traumatize him. As funny as it would be for Fullmetal to get a tampon in the ass, such a traumatic event could cause him to not seek out the greatest thing that alchemy could never replace or grant as much pleasure; vaginas!" Roy stated dramatically as everyone gave him an awkward look. "Men, as his superiors our job is to guide his cock to potential females, not traumatize him from the wonders of sex! If they tampax him in the poop-shoot he will associate that pain the female genitalia and therefore; no sex, no sex means no kids, and no kids means no one to see my glorious photo album," Roy stated in a sad tone as he cradles his photo album close to him like a child.

"I think you're being a real cock-block already from stuffing him in a miniskirt and putting him on dates with Havoc," mumbled Breda.

"Besides, right now him and I are more focused on getting our bodies back, not chasing girls," Al retorted.

"If we don't stop them then the one day he wants children he might just be dumb enough to do human-transmutation instead of making babies the good-old-fashioned way; just a man and a woman making love till the break of dawn. And no, I only want to be a Major Pain, not a Colonel Cock-Block," Roy stated in a deadpan. "There is only one person who can save Edward now. I never thought we would have to recruit her, but we appear to have no choice," Roy stated in a serious tone.

"Who?" asked Alphonse in a hopeful tone; there was a long pause before Roy answered: "… Missy…"

_Sorry this chapter took so long to come out; I've been busy. Who's Missy, just how large is the MSA, will Ed get tampaxed? Get ready for the next chapter of MiniSkirt Army of One: Koala-Staredown; MSA vs. Fort Briggs_


	5. MSA vs Fort Briggs

I don't own FMA (there, I said it)

* * *

Two women walk down the hall of central headquarters; the black-haired one small and quiet, the other a chubby redhead with a scowl on her face and a band-Aid on her chin. Both were headed to the restroom to retrieve a prisoner-of-war; Matilda.

--------------------------------- Moments earlier --------------------------------------

"There is only one person who can save Edward now. I never thought we would have to recruit her, but we appear to have no choice," Roy stated in a serious tone.

"Who?" Asked Alphonse with hope.

"… Missy…" Roy answered.

"Who's missy?" asked Feury. Roy then signaled him to come towards him. Roy pulls slaps a wig onto him and shows pulls out a mirror.

"Isn't she beautiful?" cooed Roy.

"No! Please Colonel, there must be another way! Why not Alphonse? He's Ed's brother!" Feury pleaded on the verge of tears.

"Who else is there? You honestly think they'd fall for a suit of armor with a wig and a miniskirt? They'd catch him in a second," Roy in a dark tone. "Now we just need a strategy to get you in and out. First of all, how did they catch Ed, his disguise was flawless?"

"Maybe his nuts popped out while sitting on the couch. Even when wearing the miniskirt he sits with his legs spread like a guy," Breda chuckled.

"Perhaps he used the wrong slang; men and women do express ideas and emotions differently" chimed in Falman.

"Maybe they got suspicious that he always went to the bathroom by himself," Fuery stated quietly.

"That's right, you did mention that before and it's also in Ed's research. In order to get you in and out safely someone should go with you," Falman stated as a matter-of-factly.

"That's right, good thing we have Jenny to accompany you, Missy," Roy stated in a serious tone.

"Who's Jen—?" Breda was asking before Roy chucked a red wig at him. "Oh, oh hell no!" he growled. "Why don't _you_ go? He's _your_ subordinate, you save him!"

"As commander, I must stay behind to give further instructions and to call for backup if needed," Roy stated.

"Meaning you stuff me into a miniskirt while you make your speedy getaway," Falman said while crossing his arms; it was more statement then a question.

"I would retreat only temporarily until I can make proper strategy and save everyone. My absence would be quite temporary," Roy stated professionally. "We make our move tonight when most staff goes home."

------------------------------ Back to Missy and Jenny ---------------------------------

"This is bullshit, he even made me shave," Jenny grumbled as she fingered her band-aid.

"Let's just get this over with, the quicker we go in the quicker we get out," Feury said nervously as he wrung his hands. They entered the bathroom to find no one there.

_Check the baby-changing station first. Edward found it suspicious due to the straps and small compartment that always smelt awful. Corpses or diapers; combine your skills and find out. It could give a clue where Edward is,_ Roy's words said in Feury's mind as he remembered what was instructed.

"Let's try the Koala-care Baby-Changing station first," Feury said quietly as he turned to Breda. Breda was looking at his reflection in the long full-body mirror by the sinks. He picked at his miniskirt and mumbled to himself: "I make a hot girl."

"What?" Breda asked defensively when he caught Feury looking at him.

"N-n-nothing, let's just look for E-er-Matilda," Feury stated as he lowered the changing station slowly as through he were disarming a bomb. When it lowered completely he poked around and when he pressed the koala-care logo and a computerized female voice spoke.

"Please enter the password,"

"Does this make me look fat?" asked Breda as he looked in the mirror at how his butt looked in the miniskirt. The changing station slowly shut and the sounds of a machine detaching, rotating, and reattaching could be heard; Feury didn't notice because he stared at Breda in shock.

"Password accepted; please respond correctly,"

"No, I think I look fatter," Feury said with a small smile as he pinched the hem of his own miniskirt in hopes to make Breda feel less conscious about his appearance.

"Response accepted; now dispensing 'MSA Shrimp Cocktail'," the voice said deadpan as the station opened and revealed a young blonde. Feury tried to wake Ed up after loosening all of the straps, but nothing worked. Breda left the mirror and picked Ed off the changing station. He grunted and mumbled something about Ed being heavy as they ran out of Lavatory 5 and to Roy's office. Riza and Olivier walked out of the handicap stall; their plan was working so far.

"Do you think it was a good idea to let them go?" Riza asked.

"Yes, this puts them into a false sense of security and then we will strike. Our attack starts tonight," Olivier stated before walking out of the bathroom.

------------------------- The Office --------------------------

"Is he dead?" asked Breda as he nudged Ed with his foot. Ed lay there like a slug; he still was unconscious.

""What'd they do to him?" Falman pondered.

"Please Edward, please speak to us," Whimpered Feury.

"Where… am… I?" Ed asked as he slowly opened his eyes.

"You're back in the office, did they hurt you?" asked Falman.

"I can't remember much; only the threat of getting a tampon in the ass," Ed mumbled as he tried to get up.

"Save your strength, Fullmetal, you should just rest for now. I want to know what they did to you before we send you in again," Roy ordered before turning to Al. "Alphonse, take your brother up to the room and make sure he gets plenty of bed rest."

"Okay," Al nodded before picking his brother up and putting him inside his armor so no one would see Ed in his condition. He laid Edward on the bed and watched him sleep. He slept through the entire day, the whole night, and awoke by noon. When Al left for a moment to get him some food he curled into a tight ball on the bed and wept; this had all gone so far out-of-hand.

--------------------------- The Office ---------------------------

"I don't see why I have to talk to Eliza through you," Havoc grumbled as he glared at Roy, who sat at his desk quietly signing papers without threats from Hawkeye; a very suspicious behavior.

"She's very cautious as to who has her number and address; she just recently shook off a stalking ex-boyfriend. She's still scared from the time he nearly raped her when he mugged the man she was dating for her address. The only reason she lets me know her whereabouts is because I can fight off her stalker and am in no danger," Roy was really pulling the story out of his ass and felt he deserved an Oscar award for his performance.

"What does he look like?" Havoc asked as the anger in him reached a boiling point; how could anyone want to hurt a beautiful and sweet as his Eliza.

"He's very difficult to spot in a crowd. He can disguise himself very well and change his appearance in a flash. He's very sadistic and is suspected for several accounts of murder and let's just say he's an _envious_ kind of guy," Roy pulled out of his ass. Good thing Ed has so many people that want to beat the hell out of him, this made it all the easier to bullshit a story of a jealous ex, who better to use then the one that Ed dreads dealing with the most; Envy. It wasn't entirely a lie; if Envy found out about this he would no doubt take advantage of Ed's high-heeled handicap and sacrifice him. He had Heard Ed say several times that Envy at times looked like he was going to rape him.

"You said you had something important to tell us?" Feury asked shyly as he walked in.

"Yes I do, we'll finish this conversation another time, Havoc. I have a mission we need to discuss," Roy informed as he folded his hands on his desk. "We have been ordered to investigate a Catholic school, St. Andrew boarding school for girls. There have been reports of girls going missing for several days and either found dead or traumatized; everyone will pose as a staff position and we will have one spy among the students so—,"

"Could I have a word with you, _Roy_?" a soft feminine voice purred from the doorway to interrupt them for a moment. She was one of the most beautiful girls they had every lay eyes on. Her golden hair was brushed to the left and covered a part of her face. Her eyes were a beautiful gold like what could be seen during sunset. Her white uniform shirt hugged her curves tightly with her red tie currently loose; her breasts were one of the first things anyone would see on her. Her shirt was a red plaid miniskirt and her knee-high stockings with saddle-shoes on her dainty feet as her automail limbs reflected the light..

"Oh, why hello, _Edna_, wasn't expecting you for a while," cooed as he waved her in. "We can talk later; right now we're discussing our mission." Edna took a seat between Havoc and Feury; the men could only gawk at her and fantasize about what it would be like to work with such a hot girl.

"Feury, you will be teaching computer science as Mr. Davis, Breda will be teaching statistics as Mr. Smith, Falman will be teaching history Mr. Jones, Riza will be teaching social studies as Ms. Mare, Armstrong and Havoc will be teaching gym as Mr. Sparkle and Mr. Bill teaching, leaving Alphonse to teach science as Mr. Knight. Edna is to report any suspicious activity to you and vice versa," Roy informed in a professional tone. "I need everyone to leave the room, _Edna _needed to speak with me," he said as he waved them off. After everyone left he chuckled.

"You filled out nicely," Roy clucked with a smile that made Edna want to punch him.

"This is Bullshit! Why can't I go as a _male_ student?" Edna growled as she slammed her fists on the table.

"It's a _girl's_ school Ed, no boys allowed. It seems to be that the boarding school has a very strict anti-male policy when it comes to the dorms; where most of the girls were abducted around. So keep your male habits to yourself. This means no scratching yourself, don't eat sloppy, and also refrain from dreaming about Winry," Roy teased.

"I do NOT have those kinds of dreams!" Ed shrieked.

"Not what I heard coming out of your room last night," Roy smirked as Ed flinched.

----------------- School the next day ----------------

The bell had rung and everyone scrambled to get to class. Girls gossiped, studied, and talked until the teacher came in. The teacher introduced herself as Mrs. Baylog and told the girls to open their religious texts and asked questions. When she looked up from her text she saw 'Edna' with her feet on the desk and asleep.

"Ms. Edna, is this class boring you?" she asked with an edge to her voice. The lack of response only angered her further. "EDNA!" she screamed making everyone jump and 'Edna' fall from her chair.

"What?" 'Edna' asked with a yawn.

"Don't you dare you sleep in my class! This is the time in which we learn about our lord and savior, sleeping is for the dorms!" Mrs. Boylog ranted as she wagged a pudgy finger.

"I'm atheist," came Edna's blunt reply before going back to sleep.

"Principle's office, NOW!" she screamed loud enough to wake the dead, but not enough to wake Ed. "Why you little—," she began to say before Ed actually woke up.

---------------- Computer Science --------------

"Okay, now I want all of you to try and ask for help if you get stuck," Feury said as he put his lecture papers down. He saw a group of girls not working on their project and reading a rather large magazine; Cosmos.

"I'm sorry girls, but the school says I have to take away anything that implies sex," Feury stated shyly as he took the magazine from them; it did say 'Top 10 sexy things to catch your man's attention' and '10 Best Positions in Bed' on the cover. The girls grumbled and went back to work. He held the magazine under his desk to see what the women knew about men; what he found startled him, he had to contact Mustang and fast.

------------------ Principle's Office -----------------

Edna walked to the principle's office half-asleep and sat on the waiting bench. When she got called back she walked into the office and plopped herself into the chair in front of the principle.

"Acting out of line in Religion I see, why'd you do it?" the principle asked in a cool voice that sent chills down Edna's spine. Edna didn't know why, but something seemed out of place with the principle. Though Ed had never seen this woman before, he felt like he had crossed paths with her; he didn't like her.

----------------- The empty Break room --------------

"I'll keep a close-eye on him, I patrol the dorm he's in," Riza informed on the phone.

"Good, we mustn't let Mustang know anymore about us then he does," Olivier Armstrong responded on the other line.

"When is our next move?"

"Soon, Roy's Red Shrimp will be in competition with our Golden Vixen," she smirked before they hung up.

_Who's the Golden Vixen? Find out next time when we go further into MSA vs. Fort Briggs_

_A/N: Please leave reviews; I get more inspiration the more reviews I receive. Tell your friends so I may get more inspiration. Do you think my humor is crude enough, or should I get worse? Just send me a review and tell me if you want the next date with Havoc to get better (for Roy's photo album) then say so._


	6. Missionary Style

WARNING! VULGAR, CRUDE, NASTY HUMOR AHEAD (nothing new to this story)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Roy! It's worse then we thought!" Feury said in a panicked voice as he ran into Roy's office waving the COSMO magazine in the air.

"What's worse then we—?" Roy was asking as the magazine was thrust into his face.

"They've been researching us for longer then previously thought! They've figured out everything from what we're attracted to, our body language, and how our brain reacts to different things such as scent!" Feury panted as he waved his arms widely in the air.

"Oh, I should try that position some time. 'Twirl-a-Girl sounds like fun," Roy chuckled as he began to jot down some positions from the articles; something caught his eye. "Scents make us so sexually aroused that the possibilities of getting him into bed go higher! Damn, they got me again!"

"Their further along then we thought, what now?" asked Breda darkly.

"Gather more information?" asked Falman.

"And make our own," Roy stated

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Several days had passed and no disappearances had occurred. Each day 'Edna' would snooze in religion class and get sent to the principle's office. She really didn't like her and was suspicious from the moment she saw her; she always thought she was going to swallow her whole. At times Ed would catch her out of the corner of his eyes looking at him from her office window. His room mate, Kelly, and him rarely spoke; she awkward around him because he unknowkingly shared his fantasies of Winry while he slept. When he discovered in the morning that he had that kind of dream again he would hide it from Kelly and when she found out told her he had a bladder control problem and hadn't had time to refill his perscription. He loved science because he was good at it and it was one of the rare times he saw Al. All sorts of rumors spread about her all over the school such as her being a lesbian, a Satanist, having a relationship with Mr. Knight, and a crazy rumor about him getting arrested for prostitution and violence. Today was Ed's first day of gym class with Mr. Sparkle and Mr. Bill; he wasn't looking forward to it.

"Today we will be playing kickball, a sport in which the talent to play has been passed down the Sparkle family for many generations," Armstrong boasted as he flexed his muscles and took his shirt off.

"Why'd he take his shirt off?" Kelly, Edna's roommate, asked as she sweat-dropped.

"I'm sure he does that a lot," stated Edna as she tried to pretend to not be familiar with the new teachers.

"All right ladies, Ashley and Vicki will be team captains today; pick your teams," stated Mr. Bill as he took the cigarette butt from his mouth and put it out on the ground. Eventually all that was left was Edna.

"You take her," growled Vicki.

"No, _you_ take her! I don't want some Atheist-runt on my team!" shouted Ashley.

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING THE TINIEST THING THING TO EVER WALK THE EARTH THAT'S SO SMALL THE MICRO-ORGANISMS DWARF IT?!" 'Edna' ranted as she charged at Ashley, but was then held back by Mr. Bill.

"I don't want her either; she's got such an old lady name!" stomped Vicki.

"Now, now girls, I'm sure Edna's a good athlete and should never be judged by her name," Mr. Bill attempted to reason with the two girls, but all was in vain.

"But I want my team to win! How can I expect my team to win if I let someone so ignorant to the awesome power of God on my team, hmm?" she ranted as everyone rolled their eyes at the ridiculous conversation.

"If that's the case, then Edna will be on Vicki's team," sighed Havoc (Mr. Bill) as he let Edna go lit another cigarette before explaining the rules. "Any questions before we begin?"

"Why do we have to wear these underwear-thingies? It keeps riding up my ass," Edna whined as she picked it out of her butt in the least lady-like manner possible.

"I don't make the uniform regulations, any questions on the game? Okay, get into field positions." Mr. Bill stated as he clapped his hands to signal them to move.

Ed would have never guessed the game could get so vicious. The ball flew every which way and the girls would slide to each base ata speed that would threaten to break the shins of the person gaurding the base. Ed would've thought; he never thought of girls as being so ferociously competitive. Eventually Armstrong felt it was necessary to teach the already strong girls how to kick the ball harder, farther, and with better aim.

"This kickball technique has been passed down the Sparkle family for many generations," Mr. Sparkle boasted before kicking the ball with incredible strength. The ball hit Havoc's head at an angle to bounce and hit Ed square in the face; he would have ducked but was occupied at the time picking the uniform out of his butt, again. Ed fell to the ground unconscious and was taken to the nurse by Havoc.

---------------------- Nurse's Office ------------------------

"Thank you for bringing her in, now please step out so I can examine her for other injuries," said the Nurse. Just as the door shut Edna woke up.

"Where am I?" Edna asked as she began to take in her surroundings in a dizzy haze.

"The health office, I need you to strip down so I can make sure there's nothing else wrong."

"I hit my head, why do you need to make that any more complicated?!" Edna asked in panic.

"I don't need you completely naked, I only want you down into your underwear," the nurse responded, now Ed began to panic.

"That's not nessisary!" Ed squeaked.

"Could you be pregnant?" asked the nurse in a deadpan voice.

"NO!" Edna screamed at the top of her lungs for all the school to hear. She asnwered the nurse's questions and was told to get some bed rest which Edna was more then happy to do.

---------------- Later that night ----------------

"Hmmm…" Edna mumbled in her sleep.

"Good morning sleeping beauty, way to skip all your classes by faking it," Kelly mumbled quietly.

"Mmmmm, Winry…"

"Here we go, _again_," Kelly mumbled; she didn't mind gays at all, but what Edna fantasized about, and unknowingly shared, made her feel very uncomfortable. For only being 16 years old Edna had a filthy mind, but what happened tonight would explain completely where the filth came from. She noticed something weird about Edna, a function the female anatomy could not possibly do; she knew that 'I have a bladder problem' story was bullshit. She quickly called her friends on another floor.

"Abby! Abby! Come over here quick and bring Kat! Edna's a guy!" she said and the two came over in a matter of minutes. They sat on Kelly's bed and giggled like 12 year old boys at a penis joke as Ed continued his fantasy unaware of his audience.

"Should we take a peek?" Kat squealed.

"No, we should let him have that much privacy at the very least, but we can blackmail him!" Abby suggested. They huddled together to think of all the things Ed would have to do for them. Ed would awake in the morning to find more blackmail and be at the mercy of more people.

--------------------- On the other side of the school campus --------------------

Ashley runs for her life as she is pursued by a fearsome enemy. She trips and finds herself cornered.

"Please, I have nothing on me and… and… I'm saving myself for marriage! Please don't hurt me!" she sobbed.

"I'm not going to hurt you unless you tell me about that girl _Edna_! I'm not interested in a lowly worm like you," the voice hissed.

"If you continue to attack or kill every girl, like you have, father would be very displeased. He doesn't want to attract attention when we're still not ready with the final stages of our plan," another voice tried to reason.

"Well (sniffle) in that case, I'll tell you all I know," she said as she straightened up. "I wouldn't protect that ugly, lesbian, Atheist, runt even if some unholy force were going to sacrifice her through the sorcery of alchemy and destroy all of God's creation!" she stated with confidence.

"I'm all ears," the voice smiled sadistically.

--------------------- Roy's office -----------------

"All done, now we just need to publish this," Roy stated with a smile as he straightened out the pile of papers. "With 'Matilda's' research and 'Edna' studying females in a more natural environment; free of male-ears, we'll defeat Major General Armstrong so I can be Fuehrer," Roy stated triumphantly.

"What'll we call the magazine?" asked Breda.

"Metro," said Roy. "You know, Metropolitan? Since they call their's COSMO for cosmopolitan we're calling ours metropolitan." Roy stated as though he were the cleverest man of all.

"I thought it stood for metro-sexual," Falman grumbled as he organized files.

"Men, right now we're gathering info on catholic school girls Missionary Style!" Roy said dramatically as though he were talking about tiny miniskirts.

Sorry the chapter is so short and took so long to come out. I've had some writers block and want to find new and exciting ways to make this story enjoyable for everyone and to have as much perverted humor as possible for all you sick, sick people out there (I enjoy it too, I'm a sick, sick person). I also want this story to have a plot; yeah, this story has a plot. Anywho, please review to tell me how awesome and twisted my story is so I may write more awesome and twisted sections in the next exciting chapter that will come up when I get off my last ass: **You've Got Blackmail**!


	7. You've Got Blackmail

Ed woke up to find Abby, Kat, and Kelly sitting on Kelly's bed looking at him as though they were cats ready to pounce on a wounded rabbit. They began to snicker evilly; this was never a good sign.

"What's your name?" asked Kat.

"Edna," Ed said cautiously.

"No, what's your_real_ name?" asked Abby, Ed was confused.

"We know your name isn't Edna, that's a girl's name," Kelly sneered and they began to laugh hysterically when Ed looked horrified.

"How did you–?" he began to ask.

"You were dreaming about your girlfriend last night," Abby giggled as they all began to laugh as Ed's dismay.

"Don't worry we won't tell anyone, we might ask you to do us a favor in the future. We may never ask, but that scenario isn't likely," Kat cooed as they exchanged glances. "So what's your real name, _Edna_?"

"Nnng," was the sound Ed made before someone began banging on the door.

"Edna! Kelly! We have to get down to the main auditorium now, there was another attack last night around our dorm!" shouted the floor leader in a frenzy before moving onto the next door, Ed was thankful for the distraction from the current topic.

"Don't think you've gottn outta this one _Enda_," Kat growled before they walked out of the room and went to the auditorium.

----------------------------- The Auditorium -------------------------------

"Last night around 11:00 there was an attack on our beloved student Ashley Smith. If anyone has any information on the attack, please come forward," the principal said sadly before a fat friend of Ashley's, Kathy, stood up.

"It was Edna! There's no mistaking it! She wanted to hurt Ashley for not changing her allegiance to Satan and attacked her as punishment!" she accused as she pointed a chubby finger at Ed.

"But Edna was asleep at the time, I saw her," Kelly defended.

"They mentioned Edna by _name_ while they attacked Ashley!" another boney friend of Ashley's, Kim, stated. "They probably wanted know where their leader was!"

"That sounds ridiculous and you know. Do you have any proof to back your claims?" a familiar man's voice cheerfully answered from the back of the auditorium. The man was a priest that had just joined the church and was currently in training as the new religious teacher and Edna knew that she didn't like religion class now she was going to hate it more; there dressed as a priest was Hughes. "I understand your suspicion, but I have several eyewitnesses that said no one on Edna's floor was moving around at that hour."

"Do you know him?" asked Kelly when she saw the look of disbelief on Edna's face.

"What the hell is _he_ doing here… and as a priest?" Edna exclaimed ignoring Kelly.

"Very well Father Bernard, I will speak with Edna later," the principal exclaimed before dismissing the students. Before Ed could slink away to the dorms to sleep more as a way to start the week end Hughes grabbed him by the wrist and dragged him into a deserted hall and away from everyone else.

"What's with the getup?" Ed asked.

"I'd rather be dressed as a priest then in a miniskirt-clad school girl squirt," Hughes answered cheerfully as he dragged him into the confession room.

"Have you any idea who's behind the attacks?" Father Bernard asked quietly.

"I don't have any solid leads, but I have a suspicion that the principal is behind them. She's been watching my every move since day one." Ed responded. "Do you think this could be the homunculi?"

"That's Roy's suspicion too. He wanted me to go undercover here too just in case. He wanted me to tell you that he'll be at a military ball tonight and won't be able to make contact with you. See ya later sport!" he said with a smile before leaving. When Edward left the room he was intercepted by Hawkeye.

"Edna, I need you to come with me," she stated in a flat tone before dragging Edward in the opposite direction Hughes went. He so desperately wanted to run, but knew there was no escaping his doom. Little did they know that a pair of eyes watching them.

"And just where do you think you're going, _Edna_?" the voice purred sadistically before slinking back into the shadows.

------------------------ Military Ball ---------------------------

"I bet I could get that girl over there to dance with me," Breda stated smugly.

"I bet you get dumped," Falman sneered.

"I bet half your paperwork she will," he retorted.

"You're on," Falman scoffed as Breda made his way across the hall. This was a game they liked to play at formal occasions. They would place bets on whether or not they could get a girl to dance once or a few times with them; they bet their paperwork. Mustang usually did very well until he'd get cocky and place a high bet and wind up doing more paperwork then he started with.

"They're dancing, more paperwork for you Falman," Feury laughed as Falman groaned.

"Mustang got that girl to dance with him for three songs straight, he's off to a good start," Havoc grumbled; he never did well at this game.

"I bet the paper work I just got from Breda that I can dance with that woman over there," Falman said before getting up to dance with a small blonde and then getting dumped.

"This is why I don't play, I'm just no match for the colonel," Feury sighed, he didn't take part in these bets because he did not want to wind up with more paperwork which he had very little of to begin with.

"There's no girl that won't dance with me," Roy said with a smile as he took a seat next to the depressed Havoc.

"Not _my Eliza_, she'd _never_ dance with _you_," Havoc mocked while sticking his tongue out; which almost made Mustang burst out laughing. Breda returned to the table with a smile on his face.

"Well, I've got only half of my original pile. So I'm gonna draw the line here," Breda said with a grin as he straitened his jacket and took a seat by Feury.

"I couldn't get her to dance," Falman said in a sad tone as he slumped into his seat and dreaded all of the paperwork that would be waiting for him on his desk tomorrow, he had over half of everyone's paperwork to do.

"Who?" Roy asked smugly. _Paperwork-free tomorrow! Time to plan the next date!_ His thoughts sang.

"That blonde over there, apparently no one can get her to dance with them," Falman said as the anime-waterfall-like tears began to fall. The blonde girl had long golden locks that were pulled back into an elegant bun with her bangs covering the left side of her pale face. She wore long black gloves with a white stripe at the top and a long flowing black gown with a white border at the top and tall black high heels. Her gold eyes seemed to scan the area.

"I bet she'd dance with me for two songs," Roy dared.

"How much are you betting?" Falman grumbled.

"Everyone's!" Roy grinned as he walked away from the table. _There's always hope! Please reject him, please!_ Falman's thoughts pleaded as he watched the colonel introduce himself to the girl.

"Hello my name us Colonel Roy Mustang, and what is your's?" Roy asked in a formal way while bowing and extending his hand.

"My name is Vanessa Mae, it is a pleasure to meet you Colonel," She said sweetly as she extended her right hand out to him to kiss. Something seemed strained about her smile, but he brushed it off as shyness.

"Care to dance?"

"Certainly," she cooed before following him to the dance floor and tripped over her very high heels all the way. Falman nearly had a heart-attack when he saw them dancing and prayed they wouldn't dance again. Roy noticed the she seemed tense the whole dance, but didn't let that bother him from enjoying himself. When the song ended he decided to win the bet once and for all.

"Care for another dance?" Roy asked with his heart-melting smile.

"No, I have to go," she purred while she stroked his chin with her finger. "Enjoy your paperwork," she sneered before walking off and tripping a lot, something about her suddenly set off alarms in Roy's head.

_No! It can't be!_ Roy's thoughts screamed. She turned around so fast she nearly fell over as she glared at him and stuck her tongue out with a typical chibi expression Roy had gotten used to and was horrified by at the moment, it was Ed. "Bastard," she growled. She began to laugh maniacally as she turned to walk away. She fell flat on her face, but got up quickly and walked out in a Frankenstein-like fashion; all that hard-work to have him walk like a proper lady had been a waste. When he turned to the table he saw Falman with a big grin on his face. _That little bastard is gonna get it!_ Roy's thoughts screamed as he slumped back to the table.

"I'm free!" Falman cheered as he slapped Roy on the shoulder. Since Roy was going to be busy for a while, he decided he was going to get his revenge one way or another.

"Since I'm going to be busy for a while, I have a favor to ask," Roy growled.

"I don't know if I wanna do anything on my new day off," Falman chuckled as he sipped his drink.

"That girl was Edward," Roy said in an angry tone as he glared at Edward across the room as Ed and Hawkeye spoke. She nodded about something and then stepped aside to let him through. She looked at Roy, bowed, and then left in another direction then Ed. "I have a favor to ask of you all about Eliza's next date," Roy said with an evil grin.

---------------- Outside --------------

"These heels are killing me!" Ed whined as he walked in a strange fashion all the way back to the school dormitory.

"Hello… _Edna_," an eerily familiar voice purred from the shadows. When he turned around he saw the principal.

"Um…. Hi?" was his only response.

"She's the one from Coffeehouse 13, I'm certain," the principal's voice changed into something more horrifying; Envy.

"Yeah, she's the one, can we go? I don't see the point in this little game of yours. Father told us to keep a close eye on the human sacrifices, not attack some pathetic school girl," Lust's calm voice reasoned from the shadows. Ed began to shake in fear; he would not be caught by the homunculi in heels and a dress.

"Come quietly and I won't hurt you… too much," Envy purred as he transformed into his usual form.

"I'm not going down without a fight!" Ed stated firmly as he got into a fighting position. But when he balanced his weight on both feet the heel of his left shoe snapped under the weight of the auto-mail. The last time he was this terrified his auto-mail arm malfunctioned the first time he met Envy. Envy took advantage of his sudden shock and kicked in the head several times until he fell against a nearby wall that caused his hair to fall out of the bun.

"Since you won't be a good girl and come, I guess I'll have to kill you," Envy grinned as he turned his arm into a sword and sliced open the top of the dress, but stopped when he saw the auto-mail arm. "Is that you Chibi-san?" he asked with amusement.

"Don't call me small!" Ed growled. There was a moment of silence until Envy broke it with some small chuckles. Then he pointed his finger and laughed hysterically. Lust's expression was of shock and humor with a look that said: "I didn't see that one coming". Edward felt so humiliated that he fled the scene as fast as he could, Envy was laughing too hard to catch him anyway.

Edward sent work to Mustang about the encounter, but after several days nothing happened. Ed could see Envy disguised as the principal laughing at him from the office. Soon she disappeared and two months passed since the last attack and Roy planned to move Edward out of the school, much to his relief.

------------------ Religion Class ----------------

"God eventually granted mankind the gift of the greatest escort in cuteness and named her Elysia!" Hughes blithered on in front of the class as he held up a photo of his daughter for all to see. "What more do you need to prove that God exists, _Edna_, when no alchemy could create something so adorable and smart? She drew me a picture in her art-class yesterday!" he exclaimed as he flashed a finger-painting of a sun with a house and people (some of which he recognized). Three of the obvious were Elysia and her parents, then there was Roy setting fire to the nearby bushes, Al with cats pouring out of him, and surprisingly there was Winry hitting him in the head with what looked like a wrench. When the bell rang he quickly added: "Mrs. Baylog is your new history teacher, Mr. Smith was relocated to a different school."

"Edna Elric to the front office, your grandmother is here to pick you up," the overhead announced over the rush of getting to class.

_Since when do I have a grandma?_ He asked himself as he walked to the office. There in the front office was Falman dressed as an old lady. He wore a short fro-like white wig with small spectacles low on the bridge of his nose. He wore ugly knee-high socks, worn out brown shoes, and a very loose fitting dress with his boobs appearing to nearly reach halfway between his bellybutton and his hip; the temptation to laugh was great. The walk to the car was awkward, but the moment they got in Edward couldn't contain the laughter anymore and laughed until his stomach felt sore.

"Laugh it up you little punk, cause we've got something special in mind for you!" Falman growled as he revved up the engine and sped towards Central Headquarters. Once they reached the office Roy had a sadistic look in his. He wanted revenge and the unusually large piles of paperwork on his desk were not making his mood any brighter. The only thing to make him happy was to make Ed miserable. Ed panicked and didn't know what to say, he chickened out and began to give names.

"I didn't wanna do it! Honest! Hawkeye and Olivier threatened to show Winry and Pinako pictures of me in that uniform! Please don't hurt me!" he pleaded not wanting Roy to make him do anything more embarrassing.

"Oh, I won't hurt you," Roy stated in a monotone. He could take being called useless, he could take people calling him a monster, but the one thing he would not tolerate is having added paperwork; Edward had not crossed that line, he shot past it at a distance from Armestris to Xing (very far).

"Fullmetal." Roy said, his face shadowed out from the light behind him. Just like the day the MSA fiasco started.

"Yes?" he asked in a shaky voice.

"You've got blackmail," he stated in a monotone as he handed Ed a package and flashed an image of Vanessa Mae looking seductive. He also had one of her sticking her tongue out and looking like Ed typically does, but didn't show it. He had a plan that would make think twice before crossing him.

_Hey everyone! Sorry I haven't posted for a long time. I was busy for most of that time and barely had time to check e-mail. Please review to inspire me; I haven't had enough to boost my inspiration___

_**What's in the package? What could be more embarrassing then what Roy has already put him through? Brace yourselves for what could possibly be the final chapter of MiniSkirt Army of One**_**: The Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weenie Shrimp with a Martini**


	8. Shrimp Martini

Edward slowly opened the package to find the fleshy material to cover automail and big fake boobs, but the moment he saw the train tickets to the beach he knew it was time to be afraid

Edward slowly opened the package to find the fleshy material to cover automail and big fake boobs, but the moment he saw the train tickets to the beach he knew it was time to be afraid.

"Why am I going to the beach for?" Ed asked in a shaky voice.

"Look what's inside the box," Roy grinned evilly as Ed stumbled upon the instrument of extreme humiliation.

"No! Oh please no!" Ed pleaded as Roy grew smugger as Ed pulled a small yellow polka dot halter-top bikini out of the box.

"You can't make me!" Edward shrieked.

"This paperwork and Falman's sagging breasts say we will," Roy glared as Falman grumbled about Ed having to pay for him having to dress like an old woman to take Eliza on a date with Havoc.

"They have to come in drag too!" Ed demanded as he pointed at Feury, Falman, and Breda.

"Why?" Breda glared.

"Because if you don't I'll post this all over headquarters," Ed purred as he pulled out pictures of them in drag; ask Hughes frequently about his daughter and he could give you some pictures that would be perfect for blackmail.

"You can't do that you little bastard!" Falman growled.

"Little? LITTLE! WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SMALL THE ITSY BITSY TEENY WEENY YELLOW POLKA DOT BIKINI WOULD TO BE BIG FOR? Colonel! Permission to be accompanied by them in drag!" Ed shrieked.

"Like that'll happen," Breda sneered.

"Permission granted," Roy said indifferently as the three turned their glares to Roy as he threw them cameras. "Take lots of pictures."

"Big brother, you know you're a dead man, right?" asked Al.

"Can't be any worse then what I've gone through," Ed shrugged.

-- Train ride --

"Did you like the bikini I got you?" asked Havoc with his usual stupid grin as Falman Breda, and Feury glared at him in a nearby compartment.

"Thrilled," Ed squeaked between grit teeth with a cheesy grin.

"I'm glad," Havoc said as an equally stupid grin appeared on his face.

"I can't believe that bastard made us dress in drag," Breda fumed as he picked at the miniskirt of his yellow sun dress.

"Well, look on the bright side; at least we get to wear something cute instead of the uniforms." Feury reasoned as he picked at a spaghetti strap of his top.

"I don't see why I have to be an old lady! My boobs keep banging off my knees!" Falman ranted quiet enough that Havoc couldn't hear him.

"If he hasn't rued the day he cheated he'll sure as hell regret making me dress like this!" Breda growled.

"That's why we have these cameras," Falman purred with a sadistic smile.

"I think Riza set him up; it keeps him from taking the day off and in her sight," Feury said in deep thought.

"That makes a lot of sense, but I'm still gonna take as many pictures of that little (Ed twitches in the other compartment because he can't blow his cover) bastard and have that photo album over flowing!" Falman schemed with a great vengeance as he fixed his giant straw hat and fixed his enormous sun glasses.

-- The fun begins --

_He was afraid to come out of the locker_

_He was as embarrassed as he could be_

Edward looked at himself in the mirror in the girl's changing room to see the little bikini Havoc had picked out for him; terrified to look at the women behind him getting changed and blowing his cover once and for all.

_He was afraid to come out of the locker_

_Scared of the picture that he'd later see_

"_One, two, three, four, come on out you little whore,"_ Falman, Feury, and Breda thought as Ed shyly walked out of the changing room as the cameras began to snap.

_It was an itsy bitsy teeny weeny yellow polka dot bikini_

_He was stuffed in for the first that day_

A big grin appeared on Havoc's face.

_An itsy bitsy teeny weeny yellow polka dot bikini_

_Oh how much to Roy he did hate_

"Two, three, four, these are great pics let's get some more!" Breda giggled.

_He was so scared to go out in the open_

_And tried in vain to cover what he wore_

Ed tried to cover himself with his towel.

_He was afraid to walk into the open_

_Afraid of the torture he would soon endure_

"Two, three, four, these will embarrass him for sure," Falman said giddily as Havoc offered him a martini.

_He was an itsy bitsy teeny weeny shrimp with a little martini_

_The first drink he'd had in years_

'Maybe a little alcohol will loosen her up' Havoc thought.

_An itsy bitsy teeny weeny shrimp with a little martini_

_The giggles of his comrades had reached his ears_

Ed glared at the chuckling men, but nearly started laughing at their equally ridiculous outfits before finishing his drink with one gulp. It had more alcohol in it then he thought and made him feel a bit tipsy. Tipsy enough he didn't have the sense to run when he saw Envy smirking at him evilly in the crowd, he just hid behind Havoc.

"What's wrong?" asked Havoc concerned.

"That person with green hair scares me," Ed whimpered. Havoc then remembered something Roy once told him.

"_She's very cautious as to who has her number and address; she just recently shook off a stalking ex-boyfriend. She's still scared from the time he nearly raped her when he mugged the man she was dating for her address. The only reason she lets me know her whereabouts is because I can fight off her stalker and am in no danger"_

Remembering that made him go on the defense and Envy fled not out of fear, but because father told them to not make a scene and figured he couldn't get Edward at that moment.

-- At the office --

"Sir, I have your documents to—" Riza said before she saw his sleeping form at the desk. "Sir! This is no time to nap! You have to get these—" she stopped when she moved his head back to find it was only a dummy.

_If he's gone there's only one place he could be._ She thought bitterly.

-- back to the fun again --

Roy strolls up and down the beach in black swim trunks and a shirt with a bag looking for Havoc and 'Eliza' to take their picture and the other three. When he found the three they were cackling like hens as to what they would embarrass Ed with when they got back.

"Good afternoon _ladies_," Roy smirked as the three stopped chatting to glare at the man responsible for their situation.

"What the hell—" Breda cursed.

"I'm hear for the show; seen Havoc?" he asked with a chuckle and they pointed towards a chaotic scene. People beaten to a pulp were strewn about the area, 'Edliza' looked shocked and Havoc looked pissed.

"I know you're out there! She's mine and I'll never let you hurt her!" Havoc proclaimed as he waved his fists in the air like an angry ape; sounded like one too.

"I'll talk to him," Roy sighed as he saw Havoc get more under the influence of testosterone.

"Havoc, calm down, you're making a scene and no one is here to hurt _Eliza_," he said indifferently before he smirked that smirk that makes Ed want to punch him every time he sees it; unfortunately Havoc took notice and thought differently.

"Stay away from her! I'm warning you!" Havoc threatened.

"I'm your boss stupid; do I need my name tag too?" Roy sneered before Havoc began to attack. "What the hell is wrong with you?" Roy yelled.

"I'm not stupid! I know that Colonel Mustang is now in his office under the watchful eye of Lt. Hawkeye doing some extra paperwork! I know you're a master of disguise, you can't fool me!" Havoc shouted as though it were a war cry and charged at Roy like a bull.

"What do we do?" asked Feury.

"Only one thing we can do," stated Falman.

"Take pictures!" Breda laughed as they began to snap away.

No matter how fast Roy ran he couldn't escape. He dove into a building with Havoc barreling behind, only through the window. When he got to the clothing section he saw his four subordinates in the window chasing them and laughed so hard he nearly fell over when Falman tripped over his boobs. When he saw their miniskirts he got an idea, one he wished he didn't have to do. He whipped out some chalk and with a blue flash his disguise was complete.

"Where are you, you— my apologies ma'am. Have you seen anyone come through here?" he asked sheepishly.

"Only her, why?" the saleslady asked as she gestured to a beautiful tall ebony short haired woman in a black dress that reached past her knees. She was looking at some men's shirts with fire patterns on them.

"I'm terribly sorry," Havoc blushed before he ducked out of the store and saw something out of the corner of his eye. "There you are you bastard! Thinking you can sneak out of here and pretend to be me!" he shouted and pointed.

"Um, sir? That's the—" she tried to say before he charged head first into the mirror and knocked himself out.

"I know him; I'll get him out of here. I'm terribly sorry about this," the ebony haired woman said in a sweet and soft voice as she dragged Havoc out. She was greeted by the four following Havoc's rampage.

"You look dead sexy,_ Colonel_" Ed cooed as Roy got angry.

"It was a last resort, I couldn't burn my pawn to a crisp could now could I? These wounds will cost less to clean then if I'd burned him and something I don't need to spend money on," Roy defended himself.

"Why aren't you wearing a miniskirt?" Breda growled.

"I'm your boss and I—" he started to say before he heard a clap, saw a blue flash, and felt a sudden breeze. Before them stood Roy in a _tiny miniskirt_; they began laughing until they heard a camera snap. They turned around the see Riza taking several pictures of them in drag. Falman turned to escape and wound up slapping Roy in the face with his breasts and making another great picture for the album.


	9. ManLaw

Roy Finished putting the pictures in the album as they sat at a restaurant

Roy Finished putting the pictures in the album as they sat at a restaurant. They were there to cheer Havoc up as he wept over Eliza. Roy said that her stalker had kept finding her so she moved to Xing to escape him and that she loved Havoc too much to put him harm's way anymore. He was too preoccupied with his beer to notice the familiar pictures he was organizing.

"Don't worry, Havoc, it was for your own good she did that. I tried arrest him after he was seen, but he's too hard to catch. He won't bother you anymore," Roy said with a sympathetic sound that was really him trying to hold back laughter.

"I have a confession to make. I've kept it back so long I need to let it out. The first time I kissed her, when I held her in my arms, when we went out for dinner or for a walk I felt like… like…"

"Like what?" asked Feury.

"Like I was dating Ed," Havoc's face twisted into one of disgust and Roy nearly lost it.

_He must've really loved her; he's taking this awfully hard._ Havoc thought as he mistook the colonel's response.

_He doesn't know how right he is!_ Roy thought to himself as Havoc walked from the table to the bathroom.

"Since this whole MSA thing is embarrassing, let's never do it again," Falman stated and everyone agreed.

"We now establish a new Man-Law, no men in the MSA!" proclaimed Roy.

"No men in the MSA!" everyone agreed.

"Man-Law!" they all proclaimed.

"Be right back," Edward said before walking to the bathrooms. As he walked Roy put up three fingers and began counting them down. When he reached 1 he pointed at the restrooms and women's screams could be heard and Ed barreled out and rushed into the other bathroom. Everyone began to laugh hysterically.

Later the next day Havoc saw Roy sleeping at his desk. He shook his head at the sight before a photo album caught his attention.

_I didn't know the colonel had this kind of hobby._ Havoc thought as he flipped through. He saw the pictures of him and Eliza having fun and gave the colonel an odd look before smiling. _I really did get the last laugh on this one, you horny bastard._ He mentally celebrated as Roy smirk in his sleep as dreams about miniskirts danced in his head.

Sorry it took so long for these to come out, but school's a bitch. If I get enough reviews I just might make a sequel. REVIEW!!


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